A drunk staggers out of a bar and lets go of a loud belch just
as a couple are walking in the door.
The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this
The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go
New Miranda Rights......
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect
to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase
you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you.
Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be
appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race,
beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your
intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!
"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm
to ask you for a raise."
"Fine," the boss replied.
"I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."
I woke up this morning and said to my wife,
"that was amazing last night, were you faking it?"
"No" she replied, "I really was asleep!"
It gets kinda awkward when you're stuck in the middle of a
couple starting a full blown argument right in front of you.
They could have at least waited for me to pull my pants up
and leave the bedroom first.
A company takes out a newspaper
advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos.
As their prices seem reasonable, people place
orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back
explaining that under the present law they are
unable to supply the materials and do not
wish to be prosecuted.
So they return their customers' money in the
form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company,
few people ever bother to present these to their
The name of the company, 'The Anal
Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.'
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will
protect the fuse by blowing first.
According to a new study, Americans now
spend 94% of their time indoors.
What do you expect from a culture that goes
inside a gym to use a walking machine?
Dammit. I just spent $30 on apples at
Whole Foods and then dropped both of them!
At the hospital..
As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to
the doctor, 'That's it.
Turn off the machine, I've given up hope,
I just can't take the agony and pain of all this'.
'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma
for only 6 minutes'.