Friday, February 6, 2015



A cat's love is like nothing you've ever experienced, 
unless you've dated a completely aloof murderer with autism...

This Amazon Fire voice activated TV was a bad idea. 
It keeps searching for all kinds of shit because my wife never 
stops talking. 

My wife saw a spider and asked me to kill it. 
She handed me our granddaughter's glitter spray and told me 
to use it on the spider. 
I used the spray. 
A short while later, the spider was giving me a lap dance. 
I named the spider Cinnamon..... I think I'm in love. 
Update: My wife just killed Cinnamon. 
It was headed towards my fly. 

• •
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help 
wondering from what direction...

Church Bulletin
•"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking 
tonight at Memorial Church. 
Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
•Ushers will eat latecomers.
•Miss Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving 
obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, 
then lefties are the only ones in their right mind. 

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a 
hole 8 feet deep. 
But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained 
an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. 
"Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. 
He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without 
leaving a mound on top. 
He went to the office and explained his problem.
"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. 
"The kind of help I get these days! 
There's obviously only one thing to do. 
You'll have to dig that hole deeper!" 

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, 
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where 
the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, 
"When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by
a half hour!"

The sequel to classic novel "To Kill A 
Mockingbird" is out soon. 
 "To Cook A Mockingbird." 

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd 
pick up fish and chips on the way home. 
I was met with a stoney silence. 
Something tells me that she's beginning to 
regret letting me name the twins.

They say it's National Margarita day, 
but I'd take that with a grain of salt if I 
were you.