Saturday, February 14, 2015



Breaking news about Brian Williams.... 
It's been learned Al Sharpton is the leading news person to 
be the new face of NBC News. 
This comes as a terrible shock to Lester Holt. 

I left the wife last night..... 
She stood on the doorstep, shouting obscenities at me. 
"You'll never cope without me" she yelled. 
"Christ, you'll  starve to death before anything." 
"Don't you worry about me." I shouted. 
"Any  moron can boil a toast." 
I guess I told her! 

Hey mother in law.... Don't tell me how to raise 
my kids. 
I'm still trying to raise yours. 

Under an Obama presidency the IRS will be more 
diligent about detecting red flags...... like leftover 
money, after you pay your taxes. 

Today the IRS released new guidelines on how to 
avoid audits while Obama is the president. 
1. Don't list excessive deductions. 
2. File your return on time. 
3. Register to vote as a Democrat. 

This weekend I'm attending an animal rights barbecue. 

I was walking down the street, and this guy 
waved to me. 
Then he came up to me and said, Im sorry, 
I thought you were someone else. 
I said........... I am. 

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record 
on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the 
back tire. 

By the week before our twins were born, 
I had already prepared a lot of food in order to 
simplify cooking for the first few weeks after 
the babies arrived. 
One day I was making corned beef, and 
because I had no saltpeter, the ingredient that 
gives corned beef its pink color, I drove over to 
the drugstore.
As I entered the store slowly and awkwardly, 
holding my 16-month- old son and shepherding
my 4 1/2-year-old daughter in front, 
our druggist greeted me cheerfully. 
When I asked him for saltpeter, he blushed 
and blurted, "It doesn't work, you know." 

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped 
up in a body cast.
One of the nurses gave him a rectal 
thermometer and said,
"Don't move -- I'll be right back."
When she returned the thermometer was in his 
She asked in amazement, "How did you get 
that in your mouth, you can't even move?"
"I hiccupped."

The Black-Eyed Peas were formally known 
as 'peas' until Chuck Norris met them