••
♥
Breaking news about Brian Williams....
It's been learned Al Sharpton is the leading news person to
be the new face of NBC News.
This comes as a terrible shock to Lester Holt.
••
I left the wife last night.....
She stood on the doorstep, shouting obscenities at me.
"You'll never cope without me" she yelled.
"Christ, you'll starve to death before anything."
"Don't you worry about me." I shouted.
"Any moron can boil a toast."
I guess I told her!
••
Hey mother in law.... Don't tell me how to raise
my kids.
I'm still trying to raise yours.
••
Under an Obama presidency the IRS will be more
diligent about detecting red flags...... like leftover
money, after you pay your taxes.
••
Today the IRS released new guidelines on how to
avoid audits while Obama is the president.
1. Don't list excessive deductions.
2. File your return on time.
3. Register to vote as a Democrat.
••
This weekend I'm attending an animal rights barbecue.
••
I was walking down the street, and this guy
waved to me.
Then he came up to me and said, Im sorry,
I thought you were someone else.
I said........... I am.
••
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record
on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the
back tire.
••
By the week before our twins were born,
I had already prepared a lot of food in order to
simplify cooking for the first few weeks after
the babies arrived.
One day I was making corned beef, and
because I had no saltpeter, the ingredient that
gives corned beef its pink color, I drove over to
the drugstore.
As I entered the store slowly and awkwardly,
holding my 16-month- old son and shepherding
my 4 1/2-year-old daughter in front,
our druggist greeted me cheerfully.
When I asked him for saltpeter, he blushed
and blurted, "It doesn't work, you know."
••
A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped
up in a body cast.
One of the nurses gave him a rectal
thermometer and said,
"Don't move -- I'll be right back."
When she returned the thermometer was in his
mouth.
She asked in amazement, "How did you get
that in your mouth, you can't even move?"
"I hiccupped."
••
The Black-Eyed Peas were formally known
as 'peas' until Chuck Norris met them
••••
