Saturday, February 28, 2015

# 2630



 Live long and prosper...... 

Did you hear the story of the Human Cannonball. 
Hired and fired in the same night.

One time, 
I snorted the crumbs at the bottom of a Cheetos bag. 
I had cheese boogers for days. 

Flex who was unemployed for a long time decided to 
open a medical clinic. 
He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment 
guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." 
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 
and goes to his clinic. 
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." 
Flex: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and 
put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" 
Flex: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. 
That will be $500." 
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of 
days later to recover his money. 
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 
Flex: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and 
put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" 
Flex: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. 
That will be $500." 
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, 
more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." 
Flex: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. 
Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..." 
Flex: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! 
That will be $500."

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie every time you have a good idea. 
this associates idea w/ cookie. 
now every time you eat a cookie you will think of a good idea......

Sean Murphy phoned Pan-Am. "How long does it take to
 fly from Boston to Dublin?" 
 "Just a minute, sir." 
 "Ah, that is quick." And he hung up. 

Paddy was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage 
son was about to have an operation. 
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" 
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. 
After he gets this he won't know a thing." 
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed Paddy. 
"He don't know nothing now."

One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. 
The owner of the dog says to the bartender 
"I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk".
The bartender, naturally, accepts.
All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the 
Gettysburg address.
So the bartender lays down ten dollars and the 
dog grabs it and runs out the door. 
The owner runs after the dog. 
He finds him in a back ally (kissing) a french 
The owner says to his dog "What are you doing? 
You've never done that before."
The dog responds: "I've never had ten dollars 

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. 
Her husband demanded to know who the other man was. 

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of 
his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told 
several anecdotes he expected to repeat at 
meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he 
requested the reporters to omit them from any 
accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, 
ended his piece with the following: 
"The minister told a number of stories that 
cannot be published."

Just once I would like to hear an athlete... 
thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything 
God left out. 


Friday, February 27, 2015



Wouldn't you love to see a court case like this?
Your Honor, I move for dismissal. 
My client and I are just following the example set forth by 
the president of these very united states. 
He has consistently ignored current and standing immigration 
laws and simply renamed "Illegal Aliens" to "Undocumented 
This has been upheld by his chief justices on the Supreme 
My client your honor is Not a rapist, he is an "Undocumented 
We stand by the presidents example and expect you your 
honor to comply with the example of your superiors on the 
Supreme Court! 
The gavel slams down and the judge proclaims 
"Case dismissed, for making too much sense"...

“Eating oysters can help you increase your mussel tone.”

Politically correct 1....
A man does not behave like a total ass - he develops a case 
of rectalcranial inversion. 

At the urging of his doctor...
an elderly man moved to the deepest countryside. 
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. 
"Say, is this really a healthy place?" 
"It sure is," the man replied. 
"When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. 
I had hardly any hair on my head. 
I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, 
and I had to be lifted out of bed." 
"That’s wonderful!" said the newcomer. 
"How long have you been here?" 
"I was born here." 

My conscious never stops me from doing anything. 
It just stops me from enjoying it. 

Bob walked into his pal's office only to find Gareth 
looking depressed.
Bob asked, "Hey, what's with that long face?"
Gareth said, "You know my wife. 
She hired a new secretary for me."
Bob asked, "So what? Is she blonde or brunette?"
Gareth replied, "Neither..... He's bald."

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his den. 
The bear isn't dead- just afraid to move. 

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted 
to be dismissed from serving. 
He tried every excuse he could think of but none 
of them worked. 
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one 
more shot. 
As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he 
could approach the bench. 
"Your Honor", he said, "I must be excused from 
this trial because I am prejudiced against the 
I took one look at the man in the blue suit with 
those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I 
thought, 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' 
So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!" 
The tired and annoyed judge replied, "Get back in 
the jury box, you fool. 
That man is the lawyer!"

When you're a cannibal,
A hit and run becomes a dine and dash......

I was upset because my Wi-Fi was slow...
until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had 
no internet at all. 

Q: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
A: "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision." 


Thursday, February 26, 2015



 1. Stand in sauna
 2. Add 30,000 strangers
 3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
 4. Repeat for 12 hours
Congratulations! How was Disneyworld? 

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are 
the same ones who always refuse to eat bread...

Wile E Coyote: I can't get rid of this headache....
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it's probably stress-related..

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most. 

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants. 
Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the 
The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is 
Lyme disease. 
We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from 
from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on
Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there. 
The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam 
is greyhounds - they are intelligent. 
We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the 
moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, 
but not between us and the moon. 

The Spice Girls are trying to break back into music. 
Cher will be joining the group.
She'll be called Old Spice.....

A drunk driver is stopped for heading the wrong way on a 
one-way street. 
The police officer asked the driver, "Didn't you see the arrows?"
The drunk responds, "Arrows?.... 
I couldn't even see the Indians."

"I'd like to make a large cash deposit"
 teller: ok, how much do you have?
"Wow can't a guy just share his dreams without being 

Movie comes on while i'm in bed: ugh I've seen this a million 
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: 
oh hell yea a classic....

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest 
of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his 
wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him 
a piece of paper with the word “KISS” scribbled on 
A guest seated next to the speaker said, “Your wife 
has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. 
She must love you very much.”
Speaker replied,“You don’t know my wife. 
The letters stand for “Keep It Short, Stupid.”

Many Rastafarian babies are born out of 

All women want is to have a relationship with an 
intelligent man. 
The only problem is that intelligent men don't get 
into relationships. 

In Beijing there is a wooden sculpture of the Emperor Chung. 
It's titled Chung in Teak. 


Wednesday, February 25, 2015



We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and 
technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about 
science and technology. 
     --Carl Sagan-- 

You know you're Italian if: 
You have at least one sister who went to beauty school. 
You have ever been in a fight defending Sylvester Stallone's 
acting ability. 
It's impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets. 
If someone in your family grows beyond 5ft 6in., it is presumed 
his mother had an affair. 
You are a card-carrying VIP at more than three strip clubs. 
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel 
agent are all blood relatives. 
You're 5ft 4in., can bench press 325lbs., shave twice a day, 
but you still cry when your mother yells at you. 

My wife just opened my car door for me. 
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 

Just been told that I was a mistake and it would have been 
better if I was never born. 
What a weird thing for the Postman to say. 

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...
the grass was very thick and long, and it took the 
boy about 4 hours to cut. 
He approached the Father for payment and the 
priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"

For me, the hardest part of the driving test was 
escaping before the car filled with ocean water. 

Last weekend I was in the grocery store getting a 
gallon of milk. 
As a walk up to the check out line the lady in front 
of me turns around and says, " You are such a doll,
you look almost identical to my daughter." 
Being polite I said thank you and asked the woman 
if her daughter was in college? 
The woman replied, "No she died about 2 years 
ago in car accident." 
I was in complete shock; I didn't no what to say. 
As the woman was handing the clerk her coupons 
she asked me to do a favor for her. 
I couldn't say no or it would seem too awkward. 
She asked me if I would wave at her and say 
"by mom." as she was leaving. 
Feeling very weird, as the lady was leaving I said 
"by mom!" 
When the clerk rang up my milk he said that will 
be $65.39. 
I am thinking WHAT?! 
The clerk said your mom told me you would take 
the bill for her also. 
My first reaction was to run after the lady. 
As I was close behind her, maybe a foot, 
I tripped and pulled her leg just like I am 
pulling yours!! 

The best way to remember your wife's birthday... 
is to forget it once....

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at 
both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

“When the statistics professor and the math 
professor wrote a cookbook together, they called it 
'Pi A La Mode.'

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said 
screw that, I'll just get a tan instead. 


Tuesday, February 24, 2015



After eight days of backpacking with my wife,we were looking 
pretty scruffy. 
One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, 
her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water 
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do 
you promise not to charge?"

Q: What do you call 10 blondes in a freezer? 
A: Frosted Flakes! 

This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of 
making money at a Car Wash. 
They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign. 

A man called and asked the chemist, 
"My doctor ordered this prescription of ninety cholesterol pills 
for me.
 I got it filled at your chemist shop. 
As I was reaching towards the end of bottle a packet dropped 
It instructed 'Do Not Eat'. 
Well that was three days ago, can you tell me when should I 
start eating now again. because I'm starving."

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of 
walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 
5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and 
brought the vehicle to a stop.

Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's 
evil twin?
He was tragically malicious. 

62 people were stricken with salmonella poisoning 
after drinking unpasteurized orange juice at Disney 
Disney officials admit the mistake, but downplay 
the sickness, pointing out that 
"it's a small hurl after all."

"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl. 
"It's the dog," proclaims the guy. 
"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked 

"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife 
like me?"
she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."