Sunday, January 18, 2015



A woman visited a modern-art gallery. 
One painting was bright blue with vivid orange 
swirls and the one hanging next to it was black 
with lime-green splotches.
The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she 
could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I 
just don't understand you paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied.
"I see," the woman replied innocently. 
"Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?" 

It's all in the marketing...
An inter-office softball game was held every year 
between the marketing and support staff of one 
The support staff whipped the marketing 
department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department 
earns their keep, they posted this memo on the 
bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to 
announce that for the 2000 Softball Season, 
we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game 
all year. 
The Support Department, however, had a rather 
dismal season, winning only one game." 

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

Home security..... 
I've disconnected my home alarm system and 
de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. 
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front 
yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of 
ISIS in the center. 
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, 
Homeland Security, Secret Service and other 
agencies are all watching the house 24/7. 
I've never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a 

The bible says... you can't buy your way into 
heaven, but there isn't a church in the country 
that doesn't encourage you to try.  

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck 
Norris, because then it would be possible for a 
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another 
chuck Norris roundhouse kick. 
Physicists theorize that this contact would end 
the universe. 

Just before a Subway employee starts making my 
sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, 
"Like you mean it." 

The neighborhood watch is having a meeting 
about the creepy guy...and I'm the only one not 

A NJ waiter is claiming Chris Christie left food 
on his plate after his meal. 
The Christie camp is denying the story.

I'm not allowed on cruise ships... 
ever since that whole "poop deck" 

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King,
and got one.