••
♥
A woman visited a modern-art gallery.
One painting was bright blue with vivid orange
swirls and the one hanging next to it was black
with lime-green splotches.
The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she
could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I
just don't understand you paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied.
"I see," the woman replied innocently.
"Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"
••
It's all in the marketing...
An inter-office softball game was held every year
between the marketing and support staff of one
company.
The support staff whipped the marketing
department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department
earns their keep, they posted this memo on the
bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to
announce that for the 2000 Softball Season,
we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game
all year.
The Support Department, however, had a rather
dismal season, winning only one game."
••
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
••
Home security.....
I've disconnected my home alarm system and
de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front
yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of
ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA,
Homeland Security, Secret Service and other
agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a
month..
••
The bible says... you can't buy your way into
heaven, but there isn't a church in the country
that doesn't encourage you to try.
••
Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck
Norris, because then it would be possible for a
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another
chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Physicists theorize that this contact would end
the universe.
••
Just before a Subway employee starts making my
sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper,
"Like you mean it."
••
The neighborhood watch is having a meeting
about the creepy guy...and I'm the only one not
invited?
••
A NJ waiter is claiming Chris Christie left food
on his plate after his meal.
The Christie camp is denying the story.
••
I'm not allowed on cruise ships...
ever since that whole "poop deck"
misunderstanding.
••
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King,
and got one.
••••
