Friday, January 2, 2015



Why didn't I have a New Years kiss? 
I don't kiss on the first date.

I drank a bunch of cocktails last night that were 
carrot juice and whiskey. 
I remember being really sloshed, but I could see 
for miles.... 

What doesn't Malaysia Airlines... 
offer its customers? 
Frequent Flier Miles.....

If you get an email telling you that you can catch 
Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. 
It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 
minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going 
to shift this beer belly.

I had a really bad day...
First my ex got run over by a bus..
I got fired from my job as a bus driver......

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a 
complex sentence? 
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a 
complex sentence has a pause at the end of its 

A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for 
many years is upset by the fact that he's never 
been able to eat pork. 
So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote 
tropical island and checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest 
restaurant and orders the most expensive pork 
dish on the menu. 
As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he 
hears his name called from across the restaurant.
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants 
His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the 
same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a 
huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with 
an apple in its mouth. 
The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants 
and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place 
and look how it's served!" 

“The testimony at the barbershop is mostly 

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the 
couch, "You've got to help me! 
Every night I have the same horrible dream. 
I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women 
rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. 
And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!" 

My dog recently had a litter..... 
The female pups are great, but every one of 
the male pups is a son of a bitch..