Saturday, January 31, 2015



One of the hardest parts of being a parent is 
discovering that your 10 year old is better than 
you at every video game ever.

Sometimes, I question my sanity. 
Sometimes, it replies. 

I was just cleaning the snow off my car 
when my neighbor came out... 
"What do you think you are doing?" She asked. 
"Just wiping the snow off my windows, love." 
I replied. 
"Put my damn cat down!" She screamed.

I found out that Jennifer Lopez 
has her bum insured for $300 million... 
Just wait till Lloyd's of London find out that 
there's a hole in it! 

In the event of a zombie apocalypse... 
you'll be fine, they only eat brains....

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for 
the first time was being wined and dined by 
the State Department. 
The diplomat was not used to the salt in 
American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, 
anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his 
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and 
return with a glass of water, but then came the 
time when he returned empty handed. 
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my 
water?" demanded the diplomat. 
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," 
stammered the wretched Abdul, 
"A man is sitting on the well!" 

My wife was so sick this morning, I had to carry 
her to the kitchen to make my breakfast. 

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand  
accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get 
off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich. 

Do not be racist; be like Mario. 
He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the 
Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, 
jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a 

I hope when they find the cure for cancer, 
it's gluten free, otherwise no thanks.