The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat have
gotten to be really good friends.
A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after
The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."
The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I
The husband responds,
"No, I will also live with your sister."
I was in a supermarket and I saw a man and
woman wrapped in a bar code.
I asked them if they were an item.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man
into next week.
He then roundhouse kicked himself into next
week, so he could roundhouse the man another
Well, that didn't work.
Anybody need 1000 custom candy hearts saying
Wife:-Whenever I sing classical why do you
stand in the balcony?
Husband:-To ensure that our neighbors don't
think, I'm not doing it forcibly..
Woman at opticians-I am returning the glasses
I bought for my husband
He is still not seeing things my way.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you
take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice
it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
No matter how busy I am at work,
I'm never too busy to complain about how busy
I am at work.
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what
ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Jeter fans, own a piece of history.....
I'm a locker room attendant at Camden Yards.
When the Yankees were here last week, in the
fifth inning of the final game Derek Jeter ran
down to the locker room to use the restroom.
He forgot to flush.
He left a decent sized turd in the bowl, which I
have retrieved, preserved, and lovingly encased
in a glass case.
I've had it tested and have a certificate of
authenticity from a major sports auction house.
Derek Jeter will never again drop a deuce in
Baltimore as an active player.
You can own the last number two left by number
two ever at Camden Yards.
Best offer over $5000.