Sunday, January 4, 2015


Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my 
neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m. 

I maintained a 4.0 average in college. 
Unfortunately, that was my blood/alcohol level. 

What do toys and womens breasts have in 
They were both originally made for kids, but 
dad ends up playing with them......

Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. 
If cavemen could have eaten donuts they 
would have. 

Deborah, the busty blonde who was on vacation, 
sent home a postcard.
She writes: Hi folks, me having a great time. 
Where am I?

Currently helping my son search 
for his chocolate that I ate last night. 

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev 
Desert in Israel and came upon a casket 
containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence 
in Israel, to say the least. 
After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of 
the Israel museum in Jerusalem. 
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy 
of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited 
scientist exclaimed. 
Abe replied, "Bring him in. 
We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the 
"You were right about both the mummy's age 
and cause of death. 
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand 
that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Your hair turns white when you get old 
for evolutionary reasons. 
Predators leave you alone if they think you're 
a wizard..

I practice safe sex. 
I meet my mistress at least thirty miles from 

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking 
along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. 
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat 
runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, 
"how important it is for you to learn a foreign 

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask 
how to operate the new coffeemaker received 
as a wedding gift. 
The salesman carefully explained how 
everything worked; how to plug it in, set the 
timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is 
A few weeks later the lady was back in the 
store and the salesman asked her how she liked 
the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully
inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I 
want to make a pot of coffee."

My mother said, "You won't amount to 
anything because you procrastinate."
I said, "Just wait."