Wednesday, January 7, 2015



If someone came to my door & said 
"We'll give you a dollar for every plastic bag 
shoved under your kitchen sink." 
I'd be living large. 

I still blame my dad for my bad sex life. 
When he was telling me about the birds and the 
bees, all he said was the man goes on top and 
the woman on the bottom. 
The first three years of our marriage my wife 
and I slept in bunk beds. 

Day 20. Still lost at sea. 
Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with 
a protractor. I just like making it walk on the 
Pointy Leg Man. 

Went to my doctor the other day to have 
15 stitches removed. 
I won't be trying to use my wife's sewing 
machine again any time soon. 

I'm all "class".
The first two letters really aren't necessary. 

A man returned home deeply inebriated. 
"Again, you miserable drunk bastard," his wife 
said. "Just this morning you promised that 
you'd stop drinking and would love me." 
"Right," the husband said. 
"I'm really sorry. 
I promise to love you. 
I need though one drop of vodka, the last one." 
The wife sighed and poured a slug of vodka into 
a glass. 
The man gulped it, and then fell silent. 
After a while he said, "My dear, to strengthen 
our love, I really need one more slug..." 
In despair, the wife ran to the balcony and 
shouted, "My God, is there at least one real man 
in this building?" 
From the next door apartment a voice sounded, 
"Why, do you have some vodka there?" 

The efficient part about falling asleep on the 
toilet at work is that inevitably someone who 
had beans for lunch will come and wake you. 

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the 
street where he works. 
The beggar holds out his one hand and the man 
drops a coin into his hand. 
One day the man walks pass the beggar again 
and notices the beggar is holding hold out both 
his hands. 
He asks, "Why are you holding out both of your 
The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is 
going so well I decided to open another branch."

This morning I told my wife that if she made 
the toast and poured the juice, breakfast would 
be ready. 
She thought that was really thoughtful of me, 
then asked me what we were having. 
I said, "toast and juice". 

I started a petition to ban people 
from collecting autographs. 
So far I've got 50,000 signatures.

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative 
medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making 
her take it!