Sunday, January 11, 2015


Have you ever been to an AA meeting? 
No wonder these people are alcoholics -- 
I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

Be My Valentine.... 
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a 
middle-aged, balding man standing at the 
counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on 
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. 
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts 
spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes 
up to the balding man and asks him what he is 
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine 
cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

"If you believe you can tell me what to think, 
I believe I can tell you where to go." 

The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy.....
1.Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth. 
2.His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and 
3.Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance. 
4.Does an extensive search for cavities...
dental and body. 
5.He...ummm..licks his tools clean. 
6.Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 
dentists surveyed line. 
7.When you come to from being under the gas, 
he's quick to insist that you wore your pants 
backwards when you came into his office. 
8.Wears a necklace made of human teeth. 
9.Has a grindstone in the office for his tools. 
10.Insists that a Novacaine shot is something 
that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with 

I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I 
are in love or fighting. 
So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings. 

I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor 
insists he can handle my problems. 
Can a general practitioner really perform a heart 
transplant right in his office? 
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're 
risking is co-payment, there's no harm in giving 
him a shot at it.

Me: Excited for the dance?
13 yo: No, because you and mom will be there.
Me: But I've been workin on my twerkin!
13 yo: I need new parents. 

Little Johnny was at football practice one day 
and the coach said..... 
"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the 
goal posts"
Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the 
worst in the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t 

You know the best side effect of losing weight? 
Supersonic hearing. 
I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag 
of chips through walls. 

Had a tooth pulled today.
I asked the doc if I could keep the old tooth, 
he said he had to dispose of it, 
it was a "biohazard". 
I wanted to ask him if they thought I might turn 
it into a weapon of mass-tication. 
But the moment passed..... 

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy 
her a drink. 
If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks 
gift card and walk away...