Thursday, January 1, 2015

A NEW Year...



1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot 
on its unceasing orbit around the sun. 
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

[at daycare]
Me: I'm here to pick up my son
Daycare: what's he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok...

Afraid to fly? 
It's perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers
are all government employees forced to work the 
Happy New Year! 

How did anybody express anger before the 
invention of the caps lock key?

My grandson shoved a piece of lettuce in my ear 
while visiting over Christmas. 
I couldn't get it out so went to my doctor. 
He said, "well, that's different." 
I said, "yeah, and that's only the tip of the 

A computer beat me at chess recently. 
I challenged it to a round of kickboxing. 
I knocked the crap out of it....

I came up with an excellent technique to get my 
2 year old to behave perfectly. 
I take my 2 year old for a stroll in one of those 
strollers that are built for twins. 
Then I say to him, 'You were a Twin but your 
Brother wouldn't listen'.... 
Works fantastic. 
Kid really does listen. 
Oh sure, he twitches a lot now but talk about 
picking up his toys when told!...

I went to my doctor today. 
He drew an enormous amount of blood from me. 
I don't recommend you see Dr Acula. 

The girl says, "You would be a good dancer 
except for two things." 
The boy asks, "What are those  are those two 
 The girl answers, "Your feet."

At the register: "Find everything ok?" 
"No I figured I'd get in line, pay for just a few 
things, then start the process all over again."

Put a "STUDENT DRIVER" sign on top of your 
car, and nobody suspects you of drunk driving.