••
♥
A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked
twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner.
"Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up
there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way.
Why?"
"Got something to show you.
Something to make fire.
It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this.
If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says,
taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for
me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your
pants every time I want a fire."
••
Still haven't went through my bag of Christmas
Parade goodies.
My favorite float this year was the EHarmony
float.
It was a trailer full of women, throwing out their
phone numbers.
I still haven't called them all.
••
After weeks of me telling my wife that her present
was under the tree, she didn't seem very happy
when I handed her the stand on Christmas day.
••
After intensive investigations,
the police in Sweden now consider the case of
the burning mosque closed.
Apparently it was caused by defective Christmas
tree lighting causing the tree to catch fire.
••
Opinion has caused more trouble on this little
earth than plagues or earthquakes.
--Voltaire--
••
I did a club one night -- the speakers were old
as hell.
My jokes were coming out in black and white.
••
Charlie was playing with his little brother
Mickey when the little boy asked whether he
could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap
your arms really *really* hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill,
started flapping like mad, jumped, then
smashed into the ground two stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into
the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to
believe everything someone tells him."
••
Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can
finish off quickly.
It’s like an onion.
It has layers that we have to peel away, one by
one.
Coworker: And it will make us cry a lot.
••
Sandra: How was your Christmas?
Cindy: Oh, it was just fine.
How was yours?
Sandra: Pretty good..at least this year I didn't
get any useless or stupid gifts.
Did you ever get a gift that you just hated?
Cindy: Yeah, one year I got one of those talking
scales.
The first thing it said to me was;
"One of you has to get off!"
••
“Why do ship captains understand their sons so
well?
They're able to fathom the depth of their buoys!”
••••
