Saturday, December 27, 2014


A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked 
twelve miles, one way, to the general store. 
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. 
"Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up 
there by rubbing stones and flint together?" 
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. 
"Got something to show you. 
Something to make fire. 
It's called a Match." 
'Match? Never heard of it." 
"Watch this. 
If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, 
taking a match and striking it on his pants." 
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for 
me, Sam." 
"Well, why not?" 
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your 
pants every time I want a fire."

Still haven't went through my bag of Christmas 
Parade goodies. 
My favorite float this year was the EHarmony 
It was a trailer full of women, throwing out their 
phone numbers. 
I still haven't called them all. 

After weeks of me telling my wife that her present 
was under the tree, she didn't seem very happy 
when I handed her the stand on Christmas day. 

After intensive investigations, 
the police in Sweden now consider the case of 
the burning mosque closed. 
Apparently it was caused by defective Christmas 
tree lighting causing the tree to catch fire. 

Opinion has caused more trouble on this little 
earth than plagues or earthquakes. 

I did a club one night -- the speakers were old 
as hell. 
My jokes were coming out in black and white. 

Charlie was playing with his little brother 
Mickey when the little boy asked whether he 
could fly like Superman. 
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap 
your arms really *really* hard." 
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, 
started flapping like mad, jumped, then 
smashed into the ground two stories below. 
Horrified, their mother came screaming into 
the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?" 
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to 
believe everything someone tells him." 

Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can 
finish off quickly. 
It’s like an onion. 
It has layers that we have to peel away, one by 
Coworker: And it will make us cry a lot. 

Sandra: How was your Christmas? 
Cindy: Oh, it was just fine. 
How was yours? 
Sandra: Pretty least this year I didn't 
get any useless or stupid gifts. 
Did you ever get a gift that you just hated? 
Cindy: Yeah, one year I got one of those talking 
The first thing it said to me was; 
"One of you has to get off!"

“Why do ship captains understand their sons so 
They're able to fathom the depth of their buoys!”