Friday, December 12, 2014



The police have just released my mother-in-law 
after questioning her about the murder of her 
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before 
coming to the conclusion he committed suicide. 

Picking the right X-mas tree is a science. 
Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it 
down is an art. 

A magician walks into a talent agent's office and 
boasts about his great new act. 
"I can saw a woman in half," he announces. 
"You'll have to do better than that," says the agent. 
"It's the oldest trick in the book." 
"Oh yeah?" says the magician. 

Two mailmen are talking on the sidewalk after 
finishing their routes. 
One notices a slug crawling by and in a rage he 
stomps it to death. 
"That was cruel," says the other mailman. 
"Why'd you do that?" 
The first mailman says, "That son-of-a -bitch has 
been following me around all day!" 

'Twas the night before Christmas, 
and all through the house, 
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... 
I really should have invested in one of those 
carbon monoxide detectors. 

[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit....

What kind of crime is committed when a bird is 
A featheral offense.”

Me: I'll take 'Marriage' for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. 
We were looking for, what is monogamy...

They are now using lawyers in medical labs for 
Seems that they found out that there are some 
things that even a RAT won't do! 

As I've grown older I've realized that Santa likes 
rich kids more than everyone else...

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, 
and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming 
voice came down from the clouds, 
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man 
"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the 
Loch Ness monster either!"