One way to stay dry....
My Internet was down for a few hours,
but its ok....
I met some really nice people....
It turns out they live in my house....
And claim to be my family.....
How strange is that?
Scientists have discovered a virus that lowers
the intelligence of the people it infects.
It's called the H-1-Kardashian-1 virus.
After consuming a vibrant brew called Aul or Ale,
the Vikings would go fearlessly to the battlefield,
without their armour, or even their shirts.
Berserk means “bear shirt” in norse, and hence
the term To go Berserk.
I thought Alcoholics Anonymous
meant drinking under an assumed name.
A sign at a Doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER
What's the difference between in-laws and
Outlaws are wanted.
My wife sent me out to get some milk last night
and I came back four hours later.
"Where the hell have you been?" she screamed.
"The shop was out of milk," I replied, "So I
went to borrow some from the landlord in the
"Well, where is it then?" she asked.
I said, "He didn't have any either."
An optimist sees a half-filled glass as being
half full, the pessimist sees it as half empty,
and the alcoholic sees that it is time to order
If it's so good why can't I find a single car wash
that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys
keep tweeting about?
I thought about going outside and
doing something today but my Wi-Fi really
doesn't reach very far.
I'm donating my body to science.
But in the meantime I'm preserving it in alcohol
until they can use it.