Thursday, December 25, 2014


“One of the most glorious messes in the world 
is the mess created in the living room on 
Christmas day. 
Don’t clean it up too quickly.” 
     --Andy Rooney-- 

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. 
Mother took me to see him in a department store 
and he asked for my autograph." 
- Shirley Temple 

Bad News: 
U.S. Congress finishes year with 16% approval 
Worse News: Cosby finished at 17%.

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer 
people going to the polls." - J. Danforth Quayle, 
former U.S. Vice-President...

“What am I supposed to do with this?” 
grumbled the motorist, as the Police Officer 
handed him a receipt for his traffic violation. 
“Keep it,” the Officer advised, “When you get 
four of them, you get a bicycle.”

The cops came to my house claiming my dog 
chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn't 
own a bike. 

Does anybody know... 
how many toddlers you have to bring to 
"Toys For Tots" before you're eligible for an 

Well well well. 
If it isn't old Saint Nick trying to slide down this 
chimney after ignoring my texts for a year. 

According to police in Junction City, Kan., 
David Bell, 30, just released from jail for car 
theft, walked out the door and stole another car 
to get home.

The closest I've ever come to a threesome was 
when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the 
face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air..

I have finally realized that the "only way" to lose 
weight from green tea is, if you go to the 
mountain and pick it yourself....

Twelve men were arrested near Szczecin in 
northern Poland as they were digging up a 
road because they had heard a rumor that it 
was built with a large stockpile of 
police-confiscated hashish. 
The hashish had been sold to a chemical plant 
to be incinerated into ash for road construction. 

I told my boss, "I saw a man keying your car." 
"What did you do?" he asked aggressively. 
"Well once he was done," I replied, 
"I asked him for my keys." 

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy 
as he nears the top of the ladder and starts 
shaking and going dizzy. 
He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will 
have to go home, I've come all over giddy and 
feel sick." 
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy 
replies "No I only live round the corner." 

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 
50 people. 
Then it blew up. 

 *walks up to give eulogy*
 *pulls notes out of pocket*
 "Gus was a weirdo that bit his toenails."
 *folds notes*
 *sits back down* 

Paul Carthy, 25, pleaded guilty in Exeter, 
England, in September to theft subsequent to 
his original charge of shoplifting from a liquor 
In the second theft, he had stolen the magnetic 
letters off the name board that was held up to 
his face when his mug shot was taken.

I was teaching my science class about the 
female anatomy:
"This is the vagina. 
This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. 
Any questions?"
"Yes," said one of the pupils, 
"Can I put my knickers back on now?"

Jan said; I've bought my husband something 
for his birthday that will take his breath away. 
That fat bastards getting a treadmill.