••
♥
My Muslim neighbour complained after
I built a huge snowman using pork sausage patties
for the eyes, a pepperoni for the nose, a sausage
for the mouth and 8 pieces of fatty bacon for the
scarf.
"You've done this purposely to offend me!"
he shouted.
"No I haven't." I replied.
"Yes you have," he said, knocking it to the ground,
"Please get it out of my garden!"
••
A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
••
I phoned my wife earlier.
"I'm just heading off from work, do you want me
to pick up burgers and fries on my way home?"
It was met with a stony silence.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
••
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray
animals from a three-block radius to congregate
outside your house, the meat is spoiled....
••
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her
singing.
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear
your voice once a year!"
••
A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs.
After they had finished, one said: “Do you think
I put enough explosive in this envelope?
“I don’t know,” said the other.
“Open it and see.”
“But it will explode.”
“Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!
••
I am always getting those return address labels
from charities wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's
group.
Funny though, they forgot to put my street name
on them!
••
"Gone With The Wind? Great book!
I love how the tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to
the Land Of Oz."
••
Little Johnny came running into the house and
asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom
heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can
play that game again!"
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