Saturday, December 13, 2014



My Muslim neighbour complained after 
I built a huge snowman using pork sausage patties 
for the eyes, a pepperoni for the nose, a sausage 
for the mouth and 8 pieces of fatty bacon for the
"You've done this purposely to offend me!" 
he shouted. 
"No I haven't." I replied. 
"Yes you have," he said, knocking it to the ground,
"Please get it out of my garden!" 

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. 
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

I phoned my wife earlier. 
"I'm just heading off from work, do you want me
to pick up burgers and fries on my way home?" 
It was met with a stony silence. 
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray 
animals from a three-block radius to congregate 
outside your house, the meat is spoiled....

Alfie was listening to his sister practice her 
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear 
your voice once a year!"

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. 
After they had finished, one said: “Do you think 
I put enough explosive in this envelope? 
“I don’t know,” said the other. 
“Open it and see.” 
“But it will explode.” 
“Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you! 

I am always getting those return address labels 
from charities wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's 
Funny though, they forgot to put my street name 
on them!

"Gone With The Wind? Great book! 
I love how the tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to 
the Land Of Oz." 

Little Johnny came running into the house and 
asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom 
heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can
play that game again!"