Monday, December 1, 2014



I never thought I would say this, 
"Charles Manson is having a better week then 
Bill Crosby"

Saw a pregnant mannequin at the mall. 
What pervert goes around knocking up 

You abandon your family to spend 7 hours in 
line to save $15 on a DVD player? 
You call it Black Friday. 
I call it White Trash.

When your ass gets splashed after dropping your 
business, that's just the lavatory telling you, 
"Good Job."

I’m losing count trying to keep up with all the 
voices in my head.

One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan 
Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for 
breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the 
counter looked kind of exhausted. 
After I gave him my order, he asked me how I 
wanted my eggs.
Not wanting to burden him further, I said 
cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open 
onto my plate and handed it back to me..

Mom said angels are watching over me... 
I'm just afraid they're taking notes to make sure 
I go to hell.

Wife: How come you don't do romantic things 
like running through the rain holding my hand? 
Husband: Because I use an umbrella. 

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of 
She's still not talking to me :(

I thought I would get Stevie Wonder a cheese 
grater for Christmas, but I wanted to test it out 
first so I gave it to a blind friend of mine. 
I asked my friend what he thought of it. 
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever 

Dear Dairy, it's been 3 years and I still can't spell 
you correctly.