Tuesday, December 2, 2014



Hello, princess. Can I call you princess? 
 - No.
 - OK then, Mr. Hey, let's just get started with 
your prostate exam....

Doctor: I've got the results of your test; 
you have gonorrhea, chlamydia and 
Me: What's onomatopoeia? 
Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like.
(Had to Google that...and, no, I'm not telling. 
Google it yourselves, lol. )

You people who pull back the shower curtain 
checking for psycopathic murderers ... 
if you find one, what's your plan? 

My neighbour has diabetes and now she won't 
make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things 
always happen to me. 

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. 
I hope someday he finds a girl who has 
marshmallows tattooed all over hers. 

A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?" 
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't." 
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block 
to the left." 

On soy milk cartons, the missing kids are always 
named "Skylar" and were last seen getting into 
a Prius. 

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex 
for a while.
My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, 
cuz sex is like riding a bicycle.
I know it's been a while, but I don't ever 
remember pedaling... 

The dishwasher is making a strange noise. 
Probably because she's outside shoveling the 

If you think Special K is boring, wait till you try 
Normal K. 

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old 
She picked up something off the ground and 
started to put it in her mouth. 
I asked her not to do that.
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty 
and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total 
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you 
know all this stuff?"
Uh, I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows 
this stuff. 
Um, it's on the Mommy Test. 
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a 
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, 
but she was evidently pondering this new 
OH...I get It!" she beamed, "So if you flunk, 
you have to be the Daddy."