Friday, December 5, 2014



Dad: *consoling friend who is a baker*
I'm really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. 
Looks like your business is toast now. 

Why do women always take sooo long to put their 
makeup on?" 
Because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, 

The one thing that unites all human beings, 
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic 
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down 
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average 

Apparently saying "If you think your wife is fat 
now, wait till she has the baby" is not a good way 
to congratulate someone. 

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire 
the new Hemingway Hall. 
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for 
Ernest Hemingway."
"Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua 
Hemingway..... No relation."
"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?"
"Yes, indeed.... 
He wrote a check."

My wife won’t allow me in Victoria’s Secret 
this time of year, especially after I told her the 
women there had their panties half-off during 

A riddle; 
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only 
has one letter? 
A: An envelope. 

My neighbors listen to some really good music, 
whether they want to or not.

Parallels Between Lincoln & Obama; 
 1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his 
inauguration, Obama used the same Bible. 
 2. Lincoln came from Illinois. 
Obama comes from Illinois . 
 3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. 
Obama served in the Illinois Legislature. 
 4. Lincoln had very little experience before 
becoming President, Obama had very little 
experience before becoming President. 
 5. Lincoln rode the train from Philly to 
Washington for his inauguration. 
Obama rode the train from Philly to Washington 
for his inauguration. 
 6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. 
Obama is a skinny lawyer. 
 7. Lincoln was a Republican. 
Obama is a skinny lawyer. 
 8. Lincoln was highly respected. 
Obama is a skinny lawyer. 
 9. Lincoln was born in the United States. 
Obama is a skinny lawyer. 
 10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called 
Honest Abe. 
Obama is a skinny lawyer. 

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and 
"mental illness."

I tried to get in touch with my inner child- 
but he's not allowed to talk to strangers.