••
♥
Dad: *consoling friend who is a baker*
I'm really sorry about the fire at your bread shop.
Looks like your business is toast now.
••
Why do women always take sooo long to put their
makeup on?"
Because makeup is war paint for Being In Public,
clearly!
••
The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.
••
Apparently saying "If you think your wife is fat
now, wait till she has the baby" is not a good way
to congratulate someone.
••
A visitor to a college campus paused to admire
the new Hemingway Hall.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for
Ernest Hemingway."
"Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua
Hemingway..... No relation."
"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?"
"Yes, indeed....
He wrote a check."
••
My wife won’t allow me in Victoria’s Secret
this time of year, especially after I told her the
women there had their panties half-off during
December.
••
A riddle;
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only
has one letter?
A: An envelope.
••
My neighbors listen to some really good music,
whether they want to or not.
••
Parallels Between Lincoln & Obama;
1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his
inauguration, Obama used the same Bible.
2. Lincoln came from Illinois.
Obama comes from Illinois .
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature.
Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before
becoming President, Obama had very little
experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philly to
Washington for his inauguration.
Obama rode the train from Philly to Washington
for his inauguration.
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.
7. Lincoln was a Republican.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln was born in the United States.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called
Honest Abe.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.
••
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
••
I tried to get in touch with my inner child-
but he's not allowed to talk to strangers.
••••
