Sunday, December 14, 2014



"Can you get some bleach and laundry powder 
whilst you're out?" my wife asked. 
"Can you not wait until you've opened your
Christmas presents?"  I replied.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, 
just casually mention how he needs to floss more 
so he doesn't bleed out like that..

Billy came home from school one day 
and asked his Mom, "What is sex?" 
Billy's Mom, being a progressive parent decided 
to give him a long and detailed explanation the 
act from how babies are conceived all the way to 
the birthing process. 
"Do you understand what I have told you, Billy?" 
Asked Mom. 
"I think so" Replied Billy as he produced an 
enrolment form to join the after school kick ball 
team, "but I don't think I can fit all of that in this 
little tiny square." 

You will never find anybody who can give you a 
clear and compelling reason why we observe 
daylight savings time. 

A concierge at a posh resort, was often asked 
about the ski facilities. 
One day a couple who had just checked in after a 
long flight came by and asked where the lift was. 
"Go down the hill," he told them, "out the door, 
past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and 
you'll see it on your right." 
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more 
exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. 
"They're from England," he said. 
"I think they're looking for the elevator."

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. 
His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack 

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God 
created everything, including human beings. 
Little Johnny seemed especially interested when 
they told him how Eve was created out of one of 
Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying 
down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is 
the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my 
I think I'm going to have a wife." 

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main 
"You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards 
house just after breakfast. 
Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between 
the lawyers as to whether the question was 
Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer 
the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when 
you went to her house after breakfast on 
December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness....... 
"No one was home."

Can you start monday at 8?
"yes, thank you for the opportunity"
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
"am or pm?" 

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
It's all over town.