Tuesday, December 16, 2014




Did you hear about the elephant who was always 
left out of things and thus felt irrelephant? 

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector 
what time the train stops at Victoria.
"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."
"But I have to get off there!"
"Well, there might be one thing I can do. 
I might be able to get the engineer to slow down 
the train a little. 
Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you 
onto the platform."
"Will that work?"
"It's worth a try."As they approached the platform,
the train is slowing from 50 MPH. 
The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the 
The man starts running in mid-air. 
"Run faster! Faster!" 
He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the 
His shoes start to smoke! 
His heel comes off! 
He's running at 30 MPH. 
He's made it! 
He starts to slow down! 
The other passengers stare in amazement.
As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by 
the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into 
the train! 
As he's helped back on the train the gent who 
picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here 
to help! 
This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!" 

A man was driving along with his wife. 
"Be an angel, Honey, and let me drive," 
she begged. 
He did..... And he is. 

Christmas in heaven should be good this year. 
Patrick Swayze's doing the dancing. 
Farrah Fawcett's the Angel. 
Whitney Houston is singing in the choir. 
Julie Child is doing the dinner. 
And Michael Jackson's playing with the kids. 

sake (rice wine) -- Japanese proverb.... 
"First the man takes a drink. 
Then the drink takes a drink. 
Then the drink takes the man.” 

My wife and I are getting a divorce because 
of religious differences. 
I'm Methodist and she's Satan."

There are many paths on the journey through 
I think I might have chosen the psychopath. 

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a 
marriage counselor. 
The counselor asks the wife about the problem. 
She responds, "My husband suffers from 
premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and 
inquires "Is that true?" 
The husband replies "Well not exactly, 
she's the one that suffers, not me."

If I was a magician I'd ask someone in the 
audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. 
You could prob make like $40 doing that.

 Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you 
 Me: And when the vending machine ate my 
 Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers...