Can you play "Turkey in the straw?"
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♥
Warning..Groaner ahead:
I was driving down a lonely country road one
cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty
heavily.
My windows were getting icy and my wiper
blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart
under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice
building up on my front window, I suddenly had
a great idea.
I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until
I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle
snakes.
I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat
and installed them on my blades and they
worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . .
wind chilled vipers?
••
Remember, it's not what you do...
it's what you get away with.
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A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you
how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the
video, your dog is smarter than you.
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“I was thinking that hot air balloon operators
don't make very good friends.
Sure they can be uplifting at times, but in the end
they always bring you down.”
••
Would you go to a proctologist
who calls himself the hemorrhoid whisperer?
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I have no luck.
The other day my waterbed caught on fire.....
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An old man goes to his doctor complaining that
he keeps hearing music every time he puts on his
hat.
The doctor takes the hat into a back room then
brings it out a few moments later and puts it on
the old man's head.
"That's incredible," says the old man.
"I can't hear music anymore.
What did you do to my hat?"
"It was easy," says the doctor.
"I just removed the band."
••
Chuck Norris got shot.
We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is
in critical condition.
••
The most disturbing thing about fossil fuels is
when Larry King pisses into his gas tank and
drives off.
••
On show and tell day at the school, the topic was
telling about their parents' hobbies.
Little Mary stood up and told how her Dad made
models inside of bottles.
Little Billy told about how his Mom made quilts
from the children's worn out clothing.
Little Johnny stood up and told the class that his
Dad's hobby was tearing up window shades.
The teacher questioned him, as she had never
heard of such a hobby.
Little Johnny said "yeah! Every day when Dad
comes home from work, he tells Mom 'Pull down
the window shades! I want to rip off a piece!' "
The teacher had to leave the room.
••
Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.
••
Dear Monday: I want to break up.
I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday.
Sorry.
It’s not me — it’s you...
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