Wednesday, December 10, 2014


Can you play "Turkey in the straw?" 


Warning..Groaner ahead:
I was driving down a lonely country road one 
cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty 
My windows were getting icy and my wiper 
blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart 
under the strain. 
Unable to drive any further because of the ice 
building up on my front window, I suddenly had 
a great idea. 
I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until 
I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle 
I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat 
and installed them on my blades and they 
worked just fine. 
What! You've never heard of . . . 
wind chilled vipers? 

Remember, it's not what you do... 
it's what you get away with. 

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you 
how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the 
video, your dog is smarter than you. 

“I was thinking that hot air balloon operators 
don't make very good friends. 
Sure they can be uplifting at times, but in the end 
they always bring you down.”

Would you go to a proctologist 
who calls himself the hemorrhoid whisperer? 

I have no luck. 
The other day my waterbed caught on fire.....

An old man goes to his doctor complaining that 
he keeps hearing music every time he puts on his 
The doctor takes the hat into a back room then 
brings it out a few moments later and puts it on 
the old man's head. 
"That's incredible," says the old man. 
"I can't hear music anymore. 
What did you do to my hat?" 
"It was easy," says the doctor. 
"I just removed the band."  

Chuck Norris got shot. 
We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is 
in critical condition. 

The most disturbing thing about fossil fuels is 
when Larry King pisses into his gas tank and 
drives off. 

On show and tell day at the school, the topic was 
telling about their parents' hobbies. 
Little Mary stood up and told how her Dad made 
models inside of bottles. 
Little Billy told about how his Mom made quilts 
from the children's worn out clothing. 
Little Johnny stood up and told the class that his 
Dad's hobby was tearing up window shades. 
The teacher questioned him, as she had never 
heard of such a hobby. 
Little Johnny said "yeah! Every day when Dad 
comes home from work, he tells Mom 'Pull down 
the window shades! I want to rip off a piece!' " 
The teacher had to leave the room. 

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move. 

Dear Monday: I want to break up. 
I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. 
It’s not me — it’s you...