Wednesday, December 31, 2014



The interview opened in ferguson on xmas. 
Since the movie theater had been burned to the 
It was played on four old bedsheets that had 
been sewn together, and streched between the 
fire gutted auto parts store, and the looted,
burntout remains of the liquor barn. 
The movie was so bad that about half way thru 
somebody set fire to the bedsheets, 
and resparked the riots all over again. 
It is rumored that prez obama has dispatched 
al sharpton to the scene to further egg on the 

My girlfriend and I were talking about double 
She said that it is unfair how society treats 
For instance, if a man sleeps with a different 
woman every week, he's considered a legend. 
But if a woman sleeps with more than two men 
in a year, she's considered a slut. 
I digested her statement for a few minutes and 
then replied, "If one key fits many locks, it's 
considered a Master Key. 
However, if one lock can be opened by many keys, 
it's not considered to be a very good lock." 
She was speechless. 

Gave my cat a bath yesterday. 
He loved it. 
I didn't care much for it though. 
His fur kept sticking to my tongue. 

Irish fella went for a job on a building site...
Foreman says can you brew tea?...
He says. Certainly...
Foreman says can you drive a stacker truck?...
He says why how big's the damn tea pot.

I work in a busy office, and when a computer 
goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. 
Recently one of our computers not only crashed, 
it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called 
out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do 

Those Mirthful Hindus.....
Ram: Why are you drinking tea with 
the straw?
Raju: Because doctor asked me to stay away 
from the tea.

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs 
are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another 
dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the 
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to 
get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready 
to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 
If I died, would you get another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the 
paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it 
without calling you apervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't
get mad. They just think it's interesting..

John and Tony were in the bar, pondering over 
Tony's problems. 
"Andrea and I want to get married," said Tony, 
"but we can't find anywhere to live."
"Why don't you live with Andrea's parents?" 
suggested John.
"We can't do that," said Tony, "they're living 
with their parents!"

“I really would put my wife on a pedestal if she 
wasn't so afraid of heights.”

Sucks to get old... 
Don't tweet me... I ain't A bird. 
Don't like me on facebook...I ain't there... 
Don't Snap Chat me... I don't have A snapper. 
Don't MySpace me. 
You get into my space, you will see the business 
end of my shotgun. 
Matter of fact don't e mail me or text me. 
If you wanna talk... use your mouth.
Pick up the phone and call. 
I'm right here.....

It's amazing the little things you learn  
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a 
mean drunk. 

How does a blind person know when their done 
wiping ? 


Tuesday, December 30, 2014




Be at war with your vices, at peace with your 
neighbors, and let every new year find you a 
better man. 
--Benjamin Franklin-- 

Only 2 more days until millions of people join 
the gym for a week..

Can't wait to say "I haven't seen you since last 
year!" to everyone I see next week. 
I'm a very popular person with thousands of 

I made the mistake of watching a single zit 
popping video on youtube and now my 
recommendations screen is trying to make me 

Croquettes are not female crocodiles.........

yo mama so fat... 
She got more chins than a Chinese phone book...

My doctor said I shouldn't binge drink, 
so now I just drink all the time. 

The year is 2075.
A student asks how World War 3 began.
The teacher responds with "Well, James Franco 
and Seth Rogen made a movie..."  

If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops 
you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents. 

You look so perfect standing there, 
In my American Apparel underwear, 
But I know now you probably opened the wrong 
Christmas present grandma.....

yo mama sooo ugly... 
When she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks.


Monday, December 29, 2014



During a performance for the high school 
talent show at the local theater, a hole was 
cracked in the stage floor. 
Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged
area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, 
accidentally stepped through the hole up to his 
He apologized to the audience for his 
But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: 
"Don't worry, Freddy! 
It's just a stage you're going through!" 

When I was young, I decided to go to medical 
At the entrance exam, we were asked to 
rearrange the letters of the alphabet - 
P N E I S and form the name of an important 
human body part which is more useful when 
Those who answered S P I N E are doctors 
today, while the rest are on Facebook." 
(what lesson did you learn?). 

The barber was finishing a haircut on a 
customer one day and started to apply some 
'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the 
customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me!
My wife says it smells like a French 
Another customer who was waiting replied, 
"Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' 
on me... My wife has never been in a French 
Then the fun began... 

What do you call a cheap circumcision? 
A rip off. 

"What's up Dave, you look a bit glum?" 
I asked my friend earlier.
"I got 'relieved' of my job today without any 
pay or my bonuses, just because I had sex with 
my secretary," He moaned.
"damn, that's harsh," I replied. 
"What should you have got?"
"Consent, apparently."

Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a 
living, although for the amount I make, an apology 
would be nice.

A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., 
was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when 
his car smashed into a pole in the median strip 
of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. 
Police said that the man was traveling at 
80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that 
was found open and clutched to his chest, had 
been busy reading.

Unless you're the lead dog,
the view never changes. 

Flex at a job interview: "What are your 
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Yes, when do I start?"

A foreign diplomat was sitting beside a very 
beautiful blonde who possessed all the social 
During the course of the dinner, he put his 
hand under the table and started to feel her 
She gave him a brilliant smile. 
Encouraged, he went a little further and 
reached the calf of her leg with the same results.
The lady smiled and he, becoming emboldened 
with this encouragement, went above the knees. 
Very soon, giving the diplomat a lovely smile 
she leaned and whispered in his ear: 
"When you get far enough to discover that I'm 
a man, don't change the expression on your 
face -- I'm Secret Agent No. 13."

Adam and Dana were onbserving their new 
born baby boy.
"Look at the size of his thing, he sure is BIG!" 
said Adam.
Dana said to him in a consoling voice,
"Yes sweetheart, but he does have your eyes."


Sunday, December 28, 2014



A: Why are you late? 
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar 
A: That's nice. 
Were you helping him look for it? 
 B: No, I was standing on it.  

My wife made me take my three year old son for 
a haircut earlier. 
There was punching, kicking, crying, screaming, 
even grabbed the hairdresser's tits at one point. 
The kid was well behaved though. 

I was talking to a guy in the pub last night, 
"Well back to work tomorrow, I expect I will be 
busy with returns, but I do get a lot of job 
satisfaction though." 
"I didn't know you worked in retail, " he replied, 
"Retail? " I said, "No, not at all, I work for 
Immigration Control. "

Some favorite messages spotted on church signs... 
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees! 

My wife left me for an Indian guy...
It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, 
I heard they worship cows

Myra was going to the Christmas office party but 
needed a new party dress.
In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that 
dress in the window, please?"
"Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, 
"You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone 

My friend just eating my lunch. 
She's made corned beef ash."
He said, "Hash is spelt with an H."
I said, "It isn't when my wife  cooks it."

according to Dangerfield his wife gave the 
bathtub stretchmarks.....

An extra smart guy is trying to pull the leg of 
insurance agent and asks him: 
“Do you do Penis Insurance?”
Agent: “Yes, sir, we do Penis Insurance.” 
Man: “You replace it with a new one?”
Agent: “No, sir. 
Once it stops working, we ensure free service to 
your wife for the rest of your life...."

Summer vacation was over and the teacher 
asked Little Johnny about his family trip. 
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, 
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class 
how you spell that?" 
Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and 
said, "Actually, we went to Ohio." 

We live in an expanding universe. 
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris. 


Saturday, December 27, 2014


A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked 
twelve miles, one way, to the general store. 
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. 
"Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up 
there by rubbing stones and flint together?" 
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. 
"Got something to show you. 
Something to make fire. 
It's called a Match." 
'Match? Never heard of it." 
"Watch this. 
If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, 
taking a match and striking it on his pants." 
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for 
me, Sam." 
"Well, why not?" 
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your 
pants every time I want a fire."

Still haven't went through my bag of Christmas 
Parade goodies. 
My favorite float this year was the EHarmony 
It was a trailer full of women, throwing out their 
phone numbers. 
I still haven't called them all. 

After weeks of me telling my wife that her present 
was under the tree, she didn't seem very happy 
when I handed her the stand on Christmas day. 

After intensive investigations, 
the police in Sweden now consider the case of 
the burning mosque closed. 
Apparently it was caused by defective Christmas 
tree lighting causing the tree to catch fire. 

Opinion has caused more trouble on this little 
earth than plagues or earthquakes. 

I did a club one night -- the speakers were old 
as hell. 
My jokes were coming out in black and white. 

Charlie was playing with his little brother 
Mickey when the little boy asked whether he 
could fly like Superman. 
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap 
your arms really *really* hard." 
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, 
started flapping like mad, jumped, then 
smashed into the ground two stories below. 
Horrified, their mother came screaming into 
the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?" 
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to 
believe everything someone tells him." 

Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can 
finish off quickly. 
It’s like an onion. 
It has layers that we have to peel away, one by 
Coworker: And it will make us cry a lot. 

Sandra: How was your Christmas? 
Cindy: Oh, it was just fine. 
How was yours? 
Sandra: Pretty least this year I didn't 
get any useless or stupid gifts. 
Did you ever get a gift that you just hated? 
Cindy: Yeah, one year I got one of those talking 
The first thing it said to me was; 
"One of you has to get off!"

“Why do ship captains understand their sons so 
They're able to fathom the depth of their buoys!”