Tuesday, November 11, 2014



My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest. 
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a 
new boat. 

I don't cry over spilt milk.. 
unless it has coffee in it. 

God only gives you what you can handle. 
Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way 
more money. 

The Texas State Police are cracking down on 
speeders heading into Dallas. 
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas 
Cowboy tickets. 
If you get stopped a second time, they make you 
use them. 

People always go, "Why can't there ever be peace 
in the Middle East?"
We can't even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a 
toothpaste...... That's why. 

"Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for 
tougher regulations. 
For example, when corporations buy a senator, 
they must now get a receipt." - Jay Leno

I'm not sure but I think the family from Honey 
Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved 
down and shown how to shit indoors. 

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's just something I could really see myself doing.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have you been drinking 
tonight me: define sir.....

And I will strike down upon thee with great 
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind. 

"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal 
at the saloon.
"Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" 
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"