Sunday, November 9, 2014



"Laughing at our mistakes can 
lengthen our own life. 
Laughing at someone else's can 
shorten it."

When a coworker pisses me off, 
 I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of 
girl scout cookies on the form in the break room...

At a business lunch, a man is having trouble 
splitting a large check with an associate. 
He turns from his associate to whisper in his 
secretary's ear. 
"If you had 50 percent of $3500 plus 15 percent, 
how much would you take off?" he says. 
"Everything but my earrings," she says. 

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by a very old 
woman, entered the doctor's office. 
"We have come for an examination," said the girl. 
"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that 
curtain an take off all your clothes." 
"No, not me," said the girl. It's for my aunt." 
"Very well," said the doctor. 
"Madam, stick out your tongue." 

These animal crackers are bullsh*t, 
this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did. 

There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. 
Very fat!
“Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was 
terrible what happened yesterday after the 
birthday party. 
You know how half of the birthday cake was left 
Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for 
eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help 
myself, it started with just a small nibble and 
before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”
“Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?”
“He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full 
double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and 
ate half of it!”

Remember they’re just as afraid
of seeing you dance as you are of dancing. 

People say you shouldn't name animals you're 
going to eat.. because you'll feel too sad to kill 
them when it's time. 
However, after naming my pig 'Oscar Mayer' it's 
become so much more appetizing. 

If you tell your guests your house was just broken 
into and fake cry they will clean it for free.....

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed 
at my suede jacket. 
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' 
she sneered. 
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know 
there were any witnesses. 
Now I'll have to kill you too! 

If horror movies have taught me anything, 
it's lock up your butcher knives if your child 
addresses you as "mother" or "father."