Wednesday, November 19, 2014



By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, 
but doesn't yet stray from home, as it relies on 
parents for tablet charging and maintenance.

Words of wisdom? 
- A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. 
- Better to be occasionally cheated than 
perpetually suspicious. 
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite 
- If you live in a glass house, you should change 
clothes in the basement. 
- Never go to a plastic surgeon whose favorite 
artist is Picasso. 
- One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 
- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. 
- The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

My wife is a light eater. 
When it gets light, she starts eating. 

I put my wife on that new Chinese diet. 
I told her she could eat as much as she wanted, 
then I handed her one chopstick. 

I told my doctor I wasn't feeling well and asked 
him if he thought it might be my diet. 
He asked me what I was eating. I said, "pool balls. 
I have two reds for breakfast. three blues for 
lunch, and five browns and a pink for dinner." 
He said, I think I see what the problem is...... 
You're not eating enough greens."

A Mexican is being hypnotized by a stage 
magician in his home town. 
"You're in the desert," says the magician. 
"It's really hot and you want a drink." 
The Mexican starts panting and licking his lips. 
"Now you're at the North Pole."says the magician. 
"It's really, really cold." 
The Mexican starts to shiver. "Now you're in the 
United States ,"says the magician. 
"You have a good job, a nice house, healthcare.....
"The Mexican opens one eye and says, 
"If you wake me up I'll break your arms." 

Help a relative in need, and he'll remember you. 
The next time he's in need. 

I was so depressed the other day, I was going 
to jump out of a window on the tenth floor of my 
office building. 
They sent my Priest up to talk to me. 
He said, 'On your mark, get set....................."

So, I heard Charles Manson is getting married.. 
Yeah, I didn't think life in prison was a strong 
enough punishment either.