Friday, November 7, 2014



Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, 
I use beer. 
I call this the Heineken maneuver..

Either the smoke alarm is beeping 
or the house is backing up. 

“Honey!” screamed my husband from our 
bedroom, “you MUST check this out!
“What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen.
“You’re not going to believe what I found when 
I was drilling a hole through the wall! 
I found a secret stash of bottles!”
Just then my I heard my daughters voice hollering
from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth 
in here! 
Who the hell is drilling a hole through the 
medicine cabinet!?”

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. 
Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes 
with one hand.

Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, 
how much money does your mom have?
6yo: $60
Me: That's correct, son. 

Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should 
hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert. 

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it 
states that for each action, there is an equal 
and opposite reaction, there is no force equal 
in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

In coach, I like to pretend it's my private plane 
and I happened to invite along a couple hundred 
of my stinkiest and loudest friends.  

I've spilt stain remover on my trousers, 
how do I get that out??! 

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. 
A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony 
and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears. 

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your 
- Hope it's Halloween.