Friday, November 7, 2014

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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, 
I use beer. 
I call this the Heineken maneuver..

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Either the smoke alarm is beeping 
or the house is backing up. 

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“Honey!” screamed my husband from our 
bedroom, “you MUST check this out!
“What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen.
“You’re not going to believe what I found when 
I was drilling a hole through the wall! 
I found a secret stash of bottles!”
Just then my I heard my daughters voice hollering
from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth 
in here! 
Who the hell is drilling a hole through the 
medicine cabinet!?”

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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. 
Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes 
with one hand.

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Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, 
how much money does your mom have?
6yo: $60
Me: That's correct, son. 

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Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should 
hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert. 

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Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it 
states that for each action, there is an equal 
and opposite reaction, there is no force equal 
in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

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In coach, I like to pretend it's my private plane 
and I happened to invite along a couple hundred 
of my stinkiest and loudest friends.  

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I've spilt stain remover on my trousers, 
how do I get that out??! 

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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. 
A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony 
and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears. 

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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your 
house? 
- Hope it's Halloween. 

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