Thursday, November 13, 2014



Age is a case of mind over matter. 
If you don't mind, it don't matter. 
     --Satchel Paige-- 

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer..

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this 
So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 
1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup. 

My wife asked me to bring home some 
stuff for the pancakes yesterday... 
She wasn't happy when I came back with a 
push up bra. 

“I wanted to bring a penguin home but my 
parents said that wasn't going to fly.”

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all 
He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite 
holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free 
Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a 
green #4 card from the game UNO. 

Mary called her gynac after returning home 
from an examination. 
She asked the gynac,  “Doctor, can you please 
check if by chance I left my panties in your 
The doctor went into the examining room, had 
a look around and returned to the phone, 
“I’m afraid I can't see them here.”
 “Sorry to trouble you, doctor,” Mary said. 
“I’ll try my dentist.”

I should probably do some housework before 
they try to film the next Febreeze commercial 

When a relative asks me what I'm doing with my 
life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer 
whose wife just asked him what he's doing.

People who look at their butt in the mirror and 
see a wild boar may be suffering from an eye 
condition known as asspigmatism.

"Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because 
they sometimes take a rest."
       -- Alexandre Dumas