Thursday, November 20, 2014




Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket.... 
I always tell her to park in the disabled space. 
After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to 
drive into it, nobody is going to question her. 

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to 
say "yeah, she left me for Charles Manson." 

When I was a child I wanted to be a surgeon.
But apparently I was too young. 

For most of human history, vehicles had 
automatic collision avoidance and could even 
take you home when you were sleeping or drunk. 
Then we got rid of the horse.

- For Sale: Parachute. 
Only used once, never opened, small stain. 

With a seductive voice the wife asks the husband 
if he has ever seen a crumpled up $20 bill ? 
Husband says no , wife reaches into her bra and 
gets out a crumpled $20 . 
Then she asked if he has ever seen a crumpled 
$50 bill, husband starting to get turned on says 
oh no ! 
The wife pulls up her skirt, reaches into her 
panties and gets the $50 . 
Husband now thinking it's going to start in one 
more second is getting really hot . 
Wife says have you ever seen a crumpled 
$50,000 bill ? 
Husband now confused says no, and then asked, 
did you just hit the Loto ? 
Wife says no, I hit the guard rail . 

A TV can insult your intelligence, 
but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 

I'm not allowed at the gym anymore.... 
because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill.

Back in the USSR..... 
Boris: "Did you hear that Sergei died?" 
Vladimir: "No, I didn't even know he'd been 

I used to think I was the world's greatest lover 
until I discovered my wife had Asthma.....

My ex-wives are all great housekeepers. 
Each one I divorced kept the house.