Saturday, November 15, 2014

# 2525



Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because 
there's no way you can actually see yourself in a 
mirror & still think that looks good. 

The new preacher had just begun his sermon. 
He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes 
into the sermon his mind went blank. 
After a brief second of complete panic, he 
remembered what they had taught him in 
seminary about situations like this: repeat the last 
His teacher assured him this would help him 
remember what was supposed to come next. 
So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. 
Still his mind was blank. 
He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly." 
Still nothing.He tried one more time -- 
speaking and gesturing with such force that he 
fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, 
tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the 
lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely. 
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old 
"It was my fault. 
I should have gotten out of the way. 
You told me three times you were coming!"

A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two 
In other words, he suffered even more than we 

I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos
tonight since they're going to expire in 2017. 

I DO help with the laundry. 
My wife just doesn't understand. 
I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight. 

My neighbor told me she doesn't care what 
people think about her. 
So I told her I think about her naked. 
Turns out she's a hypocrite. 

AFTER EATING do amphibians have to 
wait one hour before getting out of the water? 

I'M HAVING ONE of those days when my 
middle finger is answering every question.

In a country well governed, poverty is something 
to be ashamed of. 
In a country badly governed, 
wealth is something to be ashamed of. 

I just quit my job at the helium gas factory. 
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. 

Pray to end constipation: join amen turdship