••
♥
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because
there's no way you can actually see yourself in a
mirror & still think that looks good.
••
The new preacher had just begun his sermon.
He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes
into the sermon his mind went blank.
After a brief second of complete panic, he
remembered what they had taught him in
seminary about situations like this: repeat the last
point.
His teacher assured him this would help him
remember what was supposed to come next.
So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said.
Still his mind was blank.
He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly."
Still nothing.He tried one more time --
speaking and gesturing with such force that he
fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side,
tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the
lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old
Lady.
"It was my fault.
I should have gotten out of the way.
You told me three times you were coming!"
••
A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two
kids.
In other words, he suffered even more than we
thought.
••
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos
tonight since they're going to expire in 2017.
••
I DO help with the laundry.
My wife just doesn't understand.
I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.
••
My neighbor told me she doesn't care what
people think about her.
So I told her I think about her naked.
Turns out she's a hypocrite.
••
AFTER EATING do amphibians have to
wait one hour before getting out of the water?
••
I'M HAVING ONE of those days when my
middle finger is answering every question.
••
In a country well governed, poverty is something
to be ashamed of.
In a country badly governed,
wealth is something to be ashamed of.
--Confucius--
••
I just quit my job at the helium gas factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
••
Pray to end constipation: join amen turdship
program.
••••
