Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because
there's no way you can actually see yourself in a
mirror & still think that looks good.
The new preacher had just begun his sermon.
He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes
into the sermon his mind went blank.
After a brief second of complete panic, he
remembered what they had taught him in
seminary about situations like this: repeat the last
His teacher assured him this would help him
remember what was supposed to come next.
So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said.
Still his mind was blank.
He tried again. "Behold, I come quickly."
Still nothing.He tried one more time --
speaking and gesturing with such force that he
fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side,
tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the
lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized profusely.
"That’s all right, young man," said the little old
"It was my fault.
I should have gotten out of the way.
You told me three times you were coming!"
A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two
In other words, he suffered even more than we
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos
tonight since they're going to expire in 2017.
I DO help with the laundry.
My wife just doesn't understand.
I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.
My neighbor told me she doesn't care what
people think about her.
So I told her I think about her naked.
Turns out she's a hypocrite.
AFTER EATING do amphibians have to
wait one hour before getting out of the water?
I'M HAVING ONE of those days when my
middle finger is answering every question.
In a country well governed, poverty is something
to be ashamed of.
In a country badly governed,
wealth is something to be ashamed of.
I just quit my job at the helium gas factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
Pray to end constipation: join amen turdship