Sunday, November 30, 2014

# 2540



What lies dead on its back one hundred feet in 
the air?
A centipede. 

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of 
stores for Black Friday sales realize there are 
online sales too. 

"Hear you've been having car trouble," said one 
neighbor to another.
"Yes," replied the car owner. 
"I bought a new carburetor that saved thirty 
percent on gas, a new transmission that saved 
fifty percent on gas, and a new set of spark plugs 
that saved forty percent on gas."
"So what happened?" asked the neighbor.
"After I drove about forty miles, 
the gas tank overflowed."

Q: What do you call someone who gets run over 
at a Black Friday sale: 
A: Wal-Martyr.

I wasn't entirely comfortable slaughtering that 
goat under the light of a full moon but grandma's 
gravy recipe was very specific. 

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. 
Their ancestors had come to America on the 
They had included Senators and Wall Street 
They decided to compile a family history, a 
legacy for their children and grandchildren. 
They hired a fine author. 
Only one problem arose — how to handle that 
great-uncle George, who was executed in the 
electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story 
The book appeared. 
It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of 
applied electronics at an important government 
institution, was attached to his position by the 
strongest of ties, and his death came as a great 

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....
The plot was riveting!

Paranoid? Nope. I'm just trying not to crash in 
case someone has replaced the airbag in my car 
with a boxing glove on a spring. 

One day a boy asked God, "Is it wrong to sleep 
with a girl before marriage?"
God replied, "No it is not, but the problem is that 
you guys don't sleep..

What on earth is that?” said the woman to the 
“It’s pressed tongue, Madam.” 
“Good gracious! I could never eat anything that 
came out of an animal’s mouth. 
Bring me a boiled egg please."

Don't make me angry. 
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. 
Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside 
I'm composing a strongly worded email.....


Saturday, November 29, 2014



A student was asked to write a signboard for the 
traffic rules near the school....
He wrote: Drive carefully! 
Don't kill the students......wait for the Teachers..

“Workers in an upholstery business demanded a 
wage hike to cushion the high cost of living.”

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday 
gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water 
He squealed with delight and headed for the 
nearest sink. 
I was not so pleased. 
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. 
Don't you remember how we used to drive you 
crazy with waterguns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th 
grade as "my senior year." 

A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, 
"Who's your favorite person in the Bible?"
Susie said, "King Solomon."
"Can you tell us why?"
"Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals."
"What do you mean?"
"He had six hundred wives and three hundred 

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another 
man had his eyes closed. 
 "What's the matter? Are you sick?" 
 "No, I'm okay. 
It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."  

I was asked how long I had worked for my 
I said ever since they threatened to fire me.  

People often look at me like I'm mental.
They just doesn't understand that I enjoy 
punching ghosts.

"Diamonds are forever. But so is herpes." 
 This is why I never get hired to write advertising 

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking 
along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. 
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat 
runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. 
"Now do you see why it's important to learn a 
foreign language?"

Being a worm must great. 
Its like "wow that dirt was great I hope there's 
more" and there always is....


Friday, November 28, 2014



I think McDonald's should be able to
 turn away customers like a bartender
"Three Big Macs please." 
"Sir, I think you've had enough....

I have many talents... For example:

I’m the type of person who looks at
 the menu for five minutes but ends up
 ordering the same exact thing every

Bought the 'Sounds of the Rainforest' cd, 
not as relaxing as I hoped. 
The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was 
chainsaws and bulldozers...

A router goes into a doctor's office and says, 
"It hurts when IP." 

The farmer’s son was returning from the market 
with the crate of chicken’s his father had 
entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box 
fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, 
but the determined boy walked all over the 
neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds 
and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy 
reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed 
sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer 
beamed...... “You left with seven.”

This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. 
Now she's using the other eye. 
Oh never mind. 
She's falling asleep. 

Dear public restrooms: 
A toilet paper dispenser should turn loosely. 
Nobody wants to wipe their ass with a handful 
of confetti. 

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable 
and then realizing that you don't have the remote.

I never get jealous when I see my ex with 
someone else, because my parents always taught 
me to give my used toys to the less fortunate. 

 I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for 
medical reasons. 
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' 
instead of 'Jay'. 


Thursday, November 27, 2014


There are no looters in Ferguson. 
They are just undocumented shoppers.

The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, 
which must be to stop the problem of people 
rioting and looting in the sky. 

There is justice in this world. 
Last night in Ferguson, a man stealing tires 
from a car was run over by the man stealing 
the car. 

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? 
God's punishing you for waiting until the flight 
home to buy your wife a gift. 

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn't work 
because the dog just goes "Cool, now we're 
both barking!" 

I could never cheat in a relationship,
That requires 2 women to find me attractive. 

Got caught checking out another woman? 
Turn to your woman and say, "Did you see how 
ugly that girl's hair was?" 

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman...
 Batman: Yes, she's a thief, but-
 A: No, she pooped on the rug again. 
Right next to the litter box! 

*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel...
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt...
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than 
they appear...
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel...
*Too much yardage between the goalposts,,,
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools...
*As smart as bait...
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash...
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in 
nostril hair...
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor..

Confuse your coworkers today by telling them 
you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3".

There was a husband and his wife sitting next 
to a drunk in a bar. 
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, 
"ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. 
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the 
husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse 
me, you just farted before my wife." 
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it 
was her turn."


Wednesday, November 26, 2014



I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to 
raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak. 
But my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.

I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and 
soy gravy. 
And its not to say that Thanksgiving will ever 
justify the genocide of the Native Americans. 
But vegan Thanksgiving -- thats just spitting on 
the graves, isnt it? 

After spending all day Sunday watching football 
on television, a man fell asleep and spent the 
night in the chair. 
His wife woke him in the morning. 
"It's twenty to seven," she called. 
"damn, who scored twenty?"

What did the farmer get when he crossed a 
centipede with a Turkey? 
50 Drumsticks. 

Some of the new military cutbacks are brutal. 
The army just unveiled coin operated machine 

Q: If fruit grows on a fruit tree, then what does 
chicken grow on? 
A: A poultry. 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 
6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! 
We have digital watches!"

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the 
Open Desktop." 
Customer: "Ok." 
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" 
Customer: "No." 
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. 
Do you see a pop-up menu?" 
Customer: "No." 
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. 
Can you tell me what you have done up until this 
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and 
I wrote click'."

What do the Brits say when there's actually 
blood on something? 

One day at primary school,  the teacher said to 
the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to 
the child who can tell me who was the most 
famous man who ever lived." 
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, 
"It's Bono!" 
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." 
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, 
"It's Sean Connery!" 
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's 
not right either." 
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and 
said, "It was Jesus Christ." 
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, 
Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, 
she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, 
I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." 
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, 
but business is business." 

I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to 
come and wash my hands like the sign says.