"There's always somebody who is paid too much,
and taxed too little - and it's always somebody
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: You can see right through them.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like
brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon
was taking the fact that his lady love was seen
with another man.
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with
another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Jon said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."
Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth
to shut me up, I will lick you.
Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and
is very difficult to get rid of.
Is it a virus or a free U2 album?
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on
his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter
sneaked up behind him.
Then she turned and ran into the kitchen,
squealing to the rest of the family,
"I know Daddy's password!
I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her older sisters asked, eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention
such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior?
Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce,
but now it’s gone.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough
outfit no one will call you fat.
Just got back from a friends funeral who
drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my
floral tribute in the shape a life jacket.
But as I told everyone "It's what he would have
"I'd like a bowl of soup please."
"I hope so, or it'll go EVERYWHERE."