••
♥
I recently broke up with my girlfriend.
We just didnt have anything in common.
But when that happens, you have to try to
compromise.
I tried to compromise with her.
I remember one time I was like, Look, if you go
with me to my Lord of the Rings fan fiction meet
up group,
I'll go with you to this ultrasound thing.
••
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I
sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink
facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked
in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way
more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the
answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than
having a baby; and here is the reason for my
conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will
often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in
the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
••
Can't decide if I'm feeling jacked, pumped, or
amped.
Might just be constipated.....
••
A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch
told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers
are killing me."
••
Why does nobody ever tell a cow joke?
because they're "udder"ly terrible...
••
The neighbors love it when I practice piano.
They break my window to hear me better.
••
my wife told me to get away from her because
I smell bad?
but I just took a shower 2 weeks ago??
••
Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the
alphabet,
I'd put U and I together.
Me: It's perfect the way it is with N and O
together.
••
Being a drag queen is really easy
in a Muslim society.
••
I'm going to talk to my broker today about
cashing in some of my stocks.
And by that I mean, "taking all my change to the
coinstar machine"
••
If I died and went straight to Hell,
it would take me at least a week to realize I
wasn't at work anymore.
••••
