••
♥
"I dropped the ball."
things you never wanna hear during a vasectomy..
••
America's Most Wanted" is set to return to the
airwaves with an NFL edition.
••
When I walked into the house,
the dog was so happy to see me he kept licking
me and wagging his tail.
Easiest robbery...ever!
••
A guy wants to become a magician so he goes
out and buys a magician book.
Later he gathers his family around the living
room for his first trick.
Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and
pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his
family hits himself in the head with it.
He's unconscious and spends a month in the
hospital.
Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker.
She calls the family in and they gather around his
bed.
Just then he sits up in bed awake and says...
"TA-DA!"
••
A teacher asks the children to discuss what their
fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except
Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before
he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
••
We will be old friends 'til we are senile...
then we can be new friends...
••
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant
brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman
was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered.
"What is it now....
••
I always say what I mean...
I just don't always mean to say it out loud.
••
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a
vulture?
A: Wings.
••
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked,
but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty
mistakes she's a tramp."
-- Joan Rivers
••
Why don't little girls fart?
They don't have assholes til they are married...
••
Don't think that just because your ex-wife
is dead that all your troubles are over.
They're not.
You still got to clean up the crime scene...
••
Got my flu shot at the Krogers pharmacy today.
Next week I'm having surgery at Costco.
••
I haven't reached my "Use By" date,
but I might be past my "Best Before" date.
••
2 golfers on the first tee discussing their bet.
First guy says he will bet $100 and 2 gotchas
that he wins the match.
The other, who is a scratch golfer, gladly accepts
the bet knowing the other guy stands no chance
of winning.
The first guy drives his first shot off the fairway
into the woods.
The scratch golfer tees up, takes his practice
swing, takes the club head back and feels and
intense pain in his groin.
He looks down only to see the first guys driver
between his legs.
He looks up and says, "What the heck."
The other guy, with a big evil grin on his face
says."......GOTCHA!!"
••
My wife is a big tennis fan, she tells me how
disgusting she finds the constant grunting during
the women's matches.
I promised her I'd try to stop.
••••
