••
♥
This milk is so far past its expiration date
that I'm only going to have a small slice.
••
My wife said; That fart voided the warranty on
our new couch.
••
Sex was discovered accidentally by a caveman
who was just rubbing random things together
trying to make fire.
••
Look, I might not take a bullet for you but,
I'd push someone else in front of you which is
practically the same thing.
••
I learned mathematical fractions from a drug
dealer.
He said if I don't pay $4,000 in 7 days,
I'll lose 3 fingers.
••
My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant
for years now.
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she
was in the bedroom.
She said, “Abracadabra!” and my friend, Dave,
came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the
hell was going on!
••
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE
smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.
••
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for tomorrow
afternoon.
••
A man came back to the dealer from whom he
bought a new car.
“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car, ”
he said.
“That’s right, sir, ” the salesman answered.
“We will replace anything that breaks. ”
“Fine, I need a new garage door. ”
••
A man calls his mother in Florida.
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother.
"I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my
mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
••
The mother in-law phoned today and said,
"come quick I think I'm dying", I replied,
"phone me back when you're sure"
••••
