••
♥
Sometimes my kid likes me,
but I'm pretty sure it's only because I'm his
Oreo dealer.
••
An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon
but he didn't arrive until 5 hours later.
“How is it? ” he asked entering the house.
“Not so bad, ” replied the home owner.
“While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught
my wife how to swim. ”
••
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live...
••
"Pay attention, 007;
this might look like an ordinary suitcase but,
if you push this button, a handle comes out and
you can wheel it."
••
A doctor got a phone call from one of his
colleagues.
“We need a fourth for poker, ” the voice on the
phone said.
“I’ll be right over, ” replied the doctor.
As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked,
“Is it serious? ”
“Oh yes, quite serious, ” he said gravely.
“They've had to call in three other doctors as well.''
••
My wife walked up to me as I was stroking my....
my beanbags and said;
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I just read in a magazine that you should check
for lumps daily"
"Do you need to have your pants all the way
down?" she said,
"Of course" I said...
"IN WALMART?"
••
The scariest thing about the terrorists
is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their
training camp videos.
••
Marvin and Muriel are lying in bed late one night.
Suddenly, Marvin seems to grow frisky.
He touches her big toe.
He squeezes her ankle.
He kneads her knee.
He strokes her thigh.
Slowly and methodically, his fingers grope higher.
And higher.
And then, suddenly, he pulls them away and
moves back to his own side of the bed.
“Marvin!” cries Muriel. "
Why did you stop? Do you need some, you know… help?”
“No, no,” says Marvin.... “Everything’s fine.
I finally found the remote.”
••
I bought a new deodorant stick today.
The instructions said remove the wrapper and
push up bottom,
I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells
lovely!
••
When coming out of any coma, try keeping your
eyes shut for another day or two to see what
everyone's saying about you.
••••
