••
♥
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.
And my advice to you is to have nothing
whatever to do with it."
-- W. Somerset Maugham
••
Mommy, Mommy!
What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't
eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf...
••
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a
tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the
shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators
around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for
years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward
the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
••
Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a
sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."
A couple of miles of careful driving later, he
spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up.
Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the
stones into the highway maintenance office.
Placing them on the counter, he says to an official:
"Here are your fallen rocks.
Now where's my watch?"
••
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give
you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give
you?"
Student: "Homework!"
••
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of
hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she
found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them
only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the
conference room table, Jennifer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT'...
It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.. 'And, now
you sir?', she asked the second man..
'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink' it comes and goes
and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer.
'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché
for speed.
‘She then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply.
'Well out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less
than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing
I can think of'..
Jennifer was very impressed with the third
answer and thought she had found her man.
'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man,
Jennifer posed the same question.
Mike replied, 'After hearing the previous three
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing
known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA.
'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had already shit my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart
near you!
••
If you lead a horse to pretzels
and then to water, he will definitely drink.
••
An enraged 15 year old girl came home from
school, And shouted "I have just done sex
education lessons at school, Dad, you lied to me!!!,
you said if I have sex before I am sixteen my
boyfriend will die."
The father calmly put down his newspaper and
said, "Oh he will sweetheart, he will".
••
I woke up very sore this morning.
I went to a Seafood Disco last night, and pulled
a mussel.
••••
