••
♥
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes.
There's just too much fraternizing with the
enemy."
-- Henry Kissinger
••
A man took his old duck to the Doctor,
concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as
ducks age their upper bills grow down over
their lower bills and make it difficult for the
animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper
bill down even with the lower bill.
But you must be extra careful because the
duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill
and if you file down too far, when the duck
takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about
a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor
inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too
far!
He took a drink of water and drowned didn't
he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead
before I took him out of the vise."
••
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit
the Frog have in common?
A: Their middle names.
••
1969: America winning space race with the
Russians......
2014: America keeping up with the
Kardashians.....
••
"YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!"
I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier
after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra
BBQ sauce.
••
If eyes are the window to the soul, then
the mouth is the barn door.
••
So the suicide hotline is only for prevention
and not for nominating people who should
kill themselves.
Damn..... I made a list and everything.
••
I went on a date last night! It went really well
..up until the moment the couple realized I
was following them & promptly called the
cops.
••
My kids are mad at me because I never
unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches.
••
In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over &
asked "where's the fire", stroking a lighter &
whispering....
"haven't decided yet" was a mistake.
••
Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or
my taste buds have adapted.
••
My sleeping pills say don't mix with alcohol,
but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine.
Doctors think they know everything.....
••••
