••
♥
Middle age is when you've met so many
people that every new person you meet
reminds you of someone else."
-- Ogden Nash
••
How do you know when a blonde has a brain
fart?
Her ears flap.
••
One day, after a man had his annual physical,
the doctor came out and said, "You had a
great checkup.
Is there anything that you'd like to talk about
or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting
a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision.
Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
••
When someone yawns, do deaf people think
they're screaming?
••
calories (noun)
Tiny creatures that live in your closet and
sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night..
••
Back before Walmart...
you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a
bearded woman.
••
If you want a successful relationship,
find someone who likes the same thermostat
setting you do.
••
My boss is so short, his hair smells like feet.
••
"Drive-in banks were established so most of
the cars today could see their real owners."
-- E. Joseph Cossman
••
Only in America would they name a state after a
bucket of fried chicken.
••
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance
by hacking into State Farm's main server and
deleting the 4 DUIs.
••
The government have advised people
to watch out that they're not being sold fake
2016 Olympic tickets.
I think I'll be alright though.
My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple
jump seem genuine enough.
••
You haven't truly won an argument until
the other person says "whatever."
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