Monday, June 30, 2014



What is a hooker in Alaska called? 
A frostitute!

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked 
twelve miles, one way, to the general store. 
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. 
"Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up 
there by rubbing stones and flint together?" 
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way.... Why?" 
"Got something to show you. 
Something to make fire. 
It's called a Match." 
'Match? Never heard of it." 
"Watch this..... 
If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, 
taking a match and striking it on his pants." 
Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." 
"Well, why not?" 
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your 
pants every time I want a fire." 

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, 
 Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! 
 I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before, 
 So pull up a chair and sit on the floor. 
 Admission is free, so pay at the door. 
One fine day, in the middle of the night, 
 two, dead boys got up to fight. 
 Back to back, they faced each other, 
 drew their swords and shot each other. 
 A deaf policeman heard the noise, 
 and saved the lives of the two dead boys. 
 If you don't believe my lies are true, 
 ask the blind man, he saw it too!

Camping ....
Son: "Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?" 
Dad: "No." 
Son: "OK." 
Dad: "Hold still." 
Son: "What're you putting on me?" 
Dad: "Sunscreen." 
Son: "It smells like ketchup." 
Dad: "Shhh"

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a 
prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no 
pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? 
In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want 
to do, knit or have sex?"

Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? 
She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, 
when the box said, "two to four years....

Your momma is so fat  that when she walks 
outside with a yellow shirt on everyone yells.... 

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do 
all the things around the house that he used to do. 
When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, 
Doc, I can take it. 
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." 
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're 
just lazy." 
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical 
term so I can tell my wife."  

Don't you hate it when you're so high that  
simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? 
Anyway, I pissed on your sofa. 

How did we get to the point where were paying 
for bottled water? 
That must have been some weird marketing 
meeting over in France. 
Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb 
do I think the Americans are? 
I bet you we could sell those idiots water. 

Life is a little easier for attractive people. 
Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and 
they're attractive, you think, Oh, they're nice, 
but if a strangers ugly, you're like, What do they 
Get away from me, weirdo.


Sunday, June 29, 2014



"I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlors, 
and have been told thousands of things, 
but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman 
getting ready to arrest her."
       -- New York City detective

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the 
husband looks over at his wife and says, 
"Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..." 
The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me." 
So the husband says, "I had a dream that you left 
me after 20 years of being married." 
The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a 
The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream." 

I didn't call you fat. 
I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream 
like that.....

Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget  
everything I know about probability, and gives me 
a temporary belief in the power of prayer. 

I wanna be rich enough to realize
that I can't buy happiness.

A salesman was testifying in his divorce 
proceedings against his wife. 
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident 
that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to 
your wife's fidelity." 
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," 
the man testified. 
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to
the wife." 
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were 
in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making 
when the old lady in the apartment next door 
pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at 
least stop all that racket on the weekends 

I found my first gray pubic hair today. 
It didn't bother me as much as it did the other 
people on the bus......

Whenever you tell someone you're afraid to fly, 
they're like, You know, its the safest way to travel. 
Really?..... I think walking beats it. 
I never been walking along and just burst into 
flames and then fell 20,000 feet. 
Maybe its just the way that I walk, though. 
I'm a real careful walker. 

Want to get really stoned?  
Commit adultery in Iran. 

A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he 
watches the rooster chase a hen around. 
Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to 
the ground. 
Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and 
runs to the piece of cookie. 
The farmer shakes his head slowly and says, 
"Gosh, I hope I never get THAT hungry."


Saturday, June 28, 2014



"A little government and a little luck are necessary
in life, but only a fool trusts either of them."

She was at the beautician's for four hours – 
that was just the estimate. 

Are those your own feet?  
Or are you breaking them in for a clown. 

If someone calls me fat, 
I don't get angry. 
I just turn the other chin. 

Weight-loss tip: 
Throw away the lip gloss, use super glue instead! 

I would never cheat in a relationship because  
that would require two people finding me 

Just left a note on the ex's car saying "I STILL 
Hope it doesn't go unnoticed. 
I keyed it in pretty deep. 

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it...

Cop: "We're going to give you a drug test." 
Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?" 

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a 
Ziploc bag... 
9. On the side of his mower you notice the 
stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats... 
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.. 
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the 
mower blades with his head... 
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes 
into the mulcher... 
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home 
security system... 
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some 
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament 
off your Lexus...... 
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in 
three weeks... 
1. No toes. 


Friday, June 27, 2014



Obama denied entry into las Vegas casino.... 
Said owner "Anybody that's $16 trillion dollars in 
debt don't belong in here" 

"Jesus loves you",
can be a nice enough gesture in church, 
but not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison. 

I didn't know how to tell this guy at Home Depot  
his fly was down... and he didn't know how to say 
thanks when I tried to help him zip it up. 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when 
you really like someone? 
That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then 
the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in 
the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. 
That makes five years in a row!

I decided to change calling the bathroom the 
John and renamed it the Jim. 
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim 
this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower 
curtains for murderers, if you find one, what's 
your plan?

Just Checked my voicemail.  
I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago. 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell 
is he homeless or naked? 


Thursday, June 26, 2014



I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. 
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels 
and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. 
People move out of the way much faster now. 

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by 
her hands. 
If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like 
their mothers. 
Now they drink like their fathers.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of 
I phoned her and said, "Did you get my drift". 

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was 
spending way too much time playing computer 
In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing 
more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, 
"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying 
books by the light of the fireplace." 
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was 
your age, he was the President of the United States."  

This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead 
of cornflakes for breakfast. 
I bet you were mad. 
Mad? I was foaming at the mouth. 

10 Reasons to Buy a New Car... 
10. Your passenger seat is on the National 
Register of Historic Places. 
 9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion 
taped to your steering wheel. 
 8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old 
on a moped. 
 7. The 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your 
car for 3 days. 
 6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I 
re-duct tape that windshield for you?" 

 5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to 
steal "The Club."
 4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep 
running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt. 

 3. For the last five years, you've had to settle f
or making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway. 

 2. You keep losing dates on left turns. 

 1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name 
when discussing morning tie-ups. 

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 
3 year old daughter. 
Mother: "What does the cow say?" 
Child: "Moo!" 
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say? 
Child: "Meow." 
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! 
What does the frog say?" 
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at 
her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."