Saturday, May 31, 2014



"Experience is the name everyone gives to their 
mistakes." -- Oscar Wilde

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them 
to sign the guestbook. 

“I'm very harsh on real estate agents. 
I'm not sure why. 
Maybe it's because of how the call every small 
house 'charming' and every run-down house a 
'great fixer-upper'. 
Just once, I'd like them to show me a house and 
declare, 'This one's a piece of crap'.”

The elevators aren't working and I work on the  
10th floor. 
I just may become the first person ever to call in 
sick from the security desk. 

"Spend most of your time loving instead of 
going to work."
(Tom, 7)
 "Don't forget your wife's name...
That will mess up the love."
(Roger, 8)
  "Be a good kisser. 
It might make your wife forget that you 
never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being 
kidnapped until my mom assured me there was 
no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, 
Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. 
An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century
sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in 
your scrotum?" 

I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in 
Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face. 

Statesmen tell you what is true even though it 
may be unpopular. 
Politicians will tell you what is popular, even 
though it may be untrue.  

You know it's time for a pedicure when you can 
exfoliate one foot with the other one. 

God made man before woman so as to give him 
time to think of an answer for her first question.


Friday, May 30, 2014



I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.  
Please call your order in 17 hours prior to your 

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from 
the Department of Homeland Security..... 
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0 
Transvestites 133 
Hernia’s 1,485 
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 
Enlarged Prostates 8,249 
Breast Implants 59,350 
Natural Blondes 3

When my wife said let's do something fun for our 
anniversary, I had no idea she meant together. 
I'm a man, not a mind reader. 

Everyone suffering from diseases and natural 
disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook 
posts as fast as we can.

Tired of having to stare at the luscious young  
kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, 
bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. 
Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty 
leap and landed on the other side; impressed, 
the lovely cat sauntered over. 
"That was quite a leap," she remarked. 
"Want to go somewhere and cuddle?" 
"Afraid not," said Tommy, a pained expressions 
on his face. 
"The fence was higher than I thought." 

"A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, 
and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and 
shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - 
he's walking on them."

I love when bill collectors ask if you can  
borrow the money...uh I did that before and I 
think we both know how that turned out. 

Sign on a church bulletin board:
You aren't too bad to come in, 
You aren't good enough to stay out.

Guy threw a banana peel out the window  
into my lane today.
Years of training kicked in and I was able to 
maneuver safely and arrive for work. 
Thank you Mario Kart. 

I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't  
handle their alcohol. 
The other night they dropped me three time while 
carrying me to the car. 

Sally was in the Pub at R-ville last Saturday night, 
when this really ugly looking guy walked into the 
She told me later: "The weirdo came over to the 
bar and pinched my bum. 
Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me your 
number, sexy.'" 
I replied, "Have you got a pen?" 
He smiled and said, "Yes." 
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before 
the farmer notices you're missing." 


Thursday, May 29, 2014



To err is human; but to really mess things up 
requires a computer.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Auto-correct turned "likeable" into "lickable"  
and the new intern is confused by her evaluation. 

Did any of you other married guys out there ever 
wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, 
than to have loved and won ?

According to this bathroom stall,  
my ex changed her number again. 

Me: Well hello again. I knew you'd be back. 
I seem to have that effect on people 
Fed Ex: Just sign here,  so I can leave. 

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced  
a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

I dropped off my wife at the hair stylist and she 
was supposed to call me when she was ready to 
be picked up. 
She must have dialed a wrong number, she 
reported later. 
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she 
cheerfully said, "Come get me!" 
The man said, "Are you SURE? 
This is Mitchell's Funeral Home." 

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because 
my pajamas match. 

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he's  
The fact that he asked through my bathroom 
window after my shower just made it awkward. 

At the stroke of midnight, Neil wept softly, 
cradling the sour cream as it expired. 

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle 
It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & 
her half of the bill was $40 dollars. 


Wednesday, May 28, 2014



If really good-looking people are "eye candy",  
guess I'd be "eye broccoli".

Morris and his wife are seated in a fancy French
restaurant for dinner. 
After the waiter arrives, the man says, 
"I'll have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse 
steak....medium rare. " 
The waiter replies, "Monsieur, what about ze 
mad cow?" 
The man replies, "She'll have a salad."
And then the fight started...Needless to say we 
didn't have our dinner at the restaurant, and 
none at home either!

Guys who say there's a party in their pants are  
probably referring to search parties. 

"A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, 
explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on 
too long."

Either these e-cigarettes keep getting bigger, 
or I just saw someone smoking a clarinet. 

There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.

I missed a few days of school last week and 
had to Paypal my lunch money to the school bully.

Graduates ask.... 
The graduate with a science degree asks, 
"Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 
"How does it work?" 
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 
"How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 
"Do you want fries with that?" 

Sue said; 
I don't want to die a virgin because that means  
I'll have to have sex with terrorists. 

If everyone would stop screaming, I'm sure we'd 
all agree I'm not supposed to be in this women's 


Tuesday, May 27, 2014



It's sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have  
have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes 
who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars. 

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's..... 
in New York City and orders a beer. 
The local guy in the line behind him immediately 
gives him a verbal jab, "they don't serve beer here, 
you moron!" 
The German fellow felt embarrassed. 
However, he turned to the New Yorker with a 
surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. 
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. 
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you 
are...... You came here for the food!" 

I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white   
omelet breakfast joint. 
I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea 
will be a hit!

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for 
his wry humor.  
He surpassed himself one summer day when a 
city dog was brought to him after an encounter 
with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting 
and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, 
who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.  
"That's what's wrong with you Maine people, 
you're always trying to over charge summer 
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're 
not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

Good News: I got accepted to Clown College.  
I’m going to major in Balloon Animal Husbandry. 

"For most folks, no news is good news; 
for the press, good news is not news."

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you  
cleaned your room without being asked and no 
one noticed? 
That's what adulthood's like. 

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple.  
The second was murder. 
That sure escalated quickly. 

To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of  
college funds. 
Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce 
from Whole Foods. 

Got in trouble for watching a woman breast feed 
her baby at the mall, she got mad and told her 
husband to beat the shit out of me....
now I admit the flashbulb may have made the 
baby cry.... 

One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park 
on his bicycle.
The following day, a friend asked him if he would 
like to do it again.
He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."

Do you think the dude that invented the 
breathalyzer has any friends left? 

What is the difference between mechanical 
engineers and civil engineers? 
Mechanical engineers build weapons. 
Civil engineers build targets.