"Experience is the name everyone gives to their
mistakes." -- Oscar Wilde
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them
to sign the guestbook.
“I'm very harsh on real estate agents.
I'm not sure why.
Maybe it's because of how the call every small
house 'charming' and every run-down house a
Just once, I'd like them to show me a house and
declare, 'This one's a piece of crap'.”
The elevators aren't working and I work on the
I just may become the first person ever to call in
sick from the security desk.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE.....
"Spend most of your time loving instead of
going to work."
"Don't forget your wife's name...
That will mess up the love."
"Be a good kisser.
It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being
kidnapped until my mom assured me there was
no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum,
Dr Michael MacDonald was in America.
An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century
sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in
I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in
Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.
Statesmen tell you what is true even though it
may be unpopular.
Politicians will tell you what is popular, even
though it may be untrue.
You know it's time for a pedicure when you can
exfoliate one foot with the other one.
God made man before woman so as to give him
time to think of an answer for her first question.