Tuesday, April 15, 2014

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I ran over a squirrel today... with a  lawnmower.
it was really tough getting that lawnmower up 
in that tree. 

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My wife was away all weekend at a business 
conference. 
During a break, she decided to call home collect. 
Our six-year-old son picked up the phone and 
heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty 
on the line. 
Will you accept the charges?" 
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came 
charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got 
Mom! And they want money!" 

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A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.
He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.
When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid my 
Finnish isn't too good."
The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that 
hot either."

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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune

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I said to my doctor, "I've badly bruised my willy
in a surfing accident". 
He said, "Did you fall off your board?" 
I said, "No, I had to shut my laptop really quickly" 

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If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the 
UP button. 

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You know your going to have a bad day when; 
You jump out of bed and miss the floor.. 
You put both contacts in the same eye.. 
You realize that terrible tasting toothpaste is 
really preparation h.. 
You call the suicide prevention hot line and they 
put you on hold.. 
So to avoid a bad day you may want to rethink 
that bungee jumping adventure..... 

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"Everyone is so concerned now where all of the 
candidates are born. 
McCain was born on a military base in Panama. 
Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you 
believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a 
manger."

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My girlfriend said I was awful in bed, to which 
I replied "How can you tell that in 2 minutes?" 

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A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an 
expensive restaurant and topped it off with 
some rare Napoleon brandy, then he summoned 
the headwaiter. 
"Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, 
"how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here 
and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had 
me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum ?"
"I'm very sorry, sir," began the contrite 
headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, 
"But I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

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With the divorce rate so high in America, a new 
organization has been formed called 
"Marriage Anonymous."
Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they 
send over a woman with curlers in her hair, 
cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat
to nag him out of it.

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