Honey, both that journalist and the engineer
proposed to our daughter!
So who's the lucky man?
Our daughter married the journalist
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man,
the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...
I'd bet there's a math equation that can tell
how many kids a person has by measuring the
amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car.
I told my wife "when I die I want you to sell
all my stuff right away"
She said "Why do you want me to do that"
I said "Because I know you'll meet someone new
and get married and I don't want some asshole
messing with my shit"
She said "What make you think I'd marry another
My neighbor and her dog have matching sweaters
on, and now I can’t tell them apart.
A man spoke frantically into the phone:
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
An angry husband returned home one night
to find his wife in bed with a naked man.
'What are you doing' he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'See,
I told you he was stupid'......
Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z
Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!
A conference is a gathering of important people
who singly can do nothing, but together can
decide that nothing can be done.
I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently.
I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free
I decided to give them a try.
I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of
fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat.
He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my
"Just a minute!" I said...... "Those aren't fat-free."
"Yes, they are.
We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound
box of candy can make a woman gain