Wednesday, April 30, 2014

# 2326



Honey, both that journalist and the engineer 
proposed to our daughter!
So who's the lucky man?
The engineer......... 
Our daughter married the journalist 

GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, 
the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that 
he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...

I'd bet there's a math equation that can tell  
how many kids a person has by measuring the
amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car. 

I told my wife "when I die I want you to sell
all my stuff right away" 
She said "Why do you want me to do that" 
I said "Because I know you'll meet someone new 
and get married and I don't want some asshole 
messing with my shit" 
She said "What make you think I'd marry another 

My neighbor and her dog have matching sweaters  
on, and now I can’t tell them apart. 

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are 
only two minutes apart!"  
"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator 
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. 
"This is her husband!"

An angry husband returned home one night 
to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 
'What are you doing' he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover 'See, 
I told you he was stupid'......

Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first
Kid: Ok,
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z
Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!

A conference is a gathering of important people 
who singly can do nothing, but together can 
decide that nothing can be done. 

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. 
I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free 
French Fries. 
I decided to give them a try. 
I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of 
fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. 
He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my 
"Just a minute!" I said...... "Those aren't fat-free." 
"Yes, they are. 
We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"  

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound 
box of candy can make a woman gain 
five pounds.


Tuesday, April 29, 2014



I wish my keyboard had a removable crumb 
tray like my toaster! 

Thanks to "Flex" Lowe's is adding 
"For Display Only" signs to their toilets. 

On the wall of a church was a sign:
"If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"
And right below it in nice rounded letters;
"But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451" 

Was heard on a public transportation vehicle 
while in Orlando. 
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to 
lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and 
watch your language. 
Thank you."

My wife has just come home and asked how 
things went with the baby. 
Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took 
the baby along with her. 

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. 
The person who answered said, "Bob is on 
vacation...... Would you like to hold?"

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man 
driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph 
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the 
window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not 
to argue with my husband when he's been drinking." 

That awkward moment when you 
leave a store without buying anything and all 
you can think is "act natural, you're innocent" 

At a company presentation 
my boss asked me to start the presentation 
with a joke. 
So I put my payslip on the first slide. 

When is it OK for a lady to slap a midget? 
When they are slow dancing and he tells her how 
nice her hair smells. 

The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless,
vegan brownies is "compost." 


Monday, April 28, 2014



This Winter It was so cold, the town flasher ran 
up and described himself.

Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Many times when I am troubled or confused, 
I find comfort in sitting in my back yard, having a 
quiet conversation with Jesus. 
This happened to me again after a particularly 
difficult day. 
I asked, "Jesus, why do I work so hard," I heard 
this reply, "Men find many ways to 
demonstrate the love they have for their family. 
You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place 
for your friends and family to gather." 
I responded, "I thought that money was the root 
of all evil." 
He then replied, "No, the LOVE of money is the 
root of all evil, money is a tool, it can be used for 
good or bad". 
I was starting to feel better but I still had two 
burning questions, so I asked, "Jesus, what is the 
meaning of life?.... Why am I here?" 
He replied, "That is a question many men ask. 
The answer to the first question is in your heart 
and is different for everyone. 
The answer to your second question is your 
mother and your father had mucho sex.
I would love to chat with you some more, señor, 
but I have to finish your lawn now." 

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic 
breakfast in bed when they know how you got 
in their house. 

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia 
after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds 
drawn, doctor?" 
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor 
"We didn't want you to think the operation was 
a failure."

If Jehovah's witnesses brought red wine and 
Pringles with them, I'd gladly let them in to 
spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

And with tears streaming down my face I swore 
I'd never visit another Thai Brothel! 

If my girl didn't want me to wear her new  thong, 
she shouldn't have said she bought it "for me." 
Women are confusing. 

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the  
ultrasound photo.
Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI
of my knee. 

"LSD Makes Users Lose Weight" 
That makes sense. 
It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a 
dragon guarding it. 

I just called my boss and told him I have  
explosive diarrhea. 
It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.


Sunday, April 27, 2014




House is a mess ...  
Walked in the other day and there were 2 
people on the couch, blindfolded, filming a 
Fabreeze commercial. 

couple poems.....
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart The Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata. 
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious Lieutenant Major,
Ben proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major. 

A while back there was a "true" story 
(urban legend) about a guy
who was interrupted by the doorbell.
Upon opening the door he found some religious 
nuts who were very annoying. 
As he was in the middle of preparing dinner, 
he'd gone to the door with a very large knife in 
his hand.
At some point, he called out to his friends asking 
if they'd gotten The virgin ready for the sacrifice.  
At this point, the callers fled from the home, 
never to return again.

"You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck 
than eaten by a shark." 
The shark made a convincing argument, 
so I got out of the cage. 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from 
the Paralympics after they tested positive for 

Olympic Sailing results are in: 
US took gold 
New Zealand took silver 
Somalia took a Middle aged couple from 
Great Britain....

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign 
in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.

I learned two important lessons today. 
I can't remember the first lesson, but the second 
one is I have to start writing things down. 

My wife and I were watching a show on 
The Learning Channel titled, "A Dog's World." 
One segment focused on dogs practice of 
urinating everywhere to define who they are and 
whose territory it is, among many other things.
"Basically," the narrator said, "dogs are leaving 
each other messages."
I looked at my wife and said, "So I guess we could 
call it p-mail." 

yo grammatical atrocities so huge,  
you need typosuction. 


Saturday, April 26, 2014



Illinois Mid-Term elections . . .  
In the upcoming Illinois Primary and General 
Mid-term elections, candidates on Chicago’s 
Democratic ballot will include someone who 
served a prison term for bribery, another who 
is due to go on trial on bribery charges and a 
third charged with bank fraud. 
Or, as it is known in Chicago, an election. 

A wireless bra?   
They weren't tricky enough, now I need a 

I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. 
If only there was an Olympic sport for being a 
lazy bastard, that bronze medal would be mine. 

On one occasion a student burst into his office. 
"Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F 
you've given me." 
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but 
unfortunately it is the lowest grade the
University will allow me to award."

'A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself
because he can't help himself'

Good News, Bad News, Worse News
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more 
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them....

It's okay to kiss a nun, 
just don't get into the habit..

My dad discovered the Internet. 
Uh, just because someone raised you, does not 
mean that you have to add them on Facebook. 

What is the difference between a toilet and 
Convenience Store Clerk?
A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

this otherwise good typing paper to you because 
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put 
your name at the top. 
-- English Professor, Ohio University

Send this Quote to a friend! 
Do you know what it means to come home at 
night to a woman who'll give you a little love, 
a little affection, a little tenderness? 
It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it