Monday, March 31, 2014



Lena & Ole ask the judge for a divorce..... 
"My God!!!" said the judge. 
"You've been married for 60 years!! 
Ole, you're 92 and Lena, you're 90, why would 
you get divorced now?????" 
 Ole says, "We had to wait until the kids died, 
this would've killed them". 

My wife just walked out of the kitchen,
looked at me and said, "I'm afraid that you 
need to get a new dish washer." 
I said to myself, "That's a strange way to break 
up with someone." 

Breaking news out of Washington today, 
The NSA finally divulged the real reason 
President Obama authorized and expanded the 
wire tapping act, he is still trying to find Waldo. 

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we 
may almost be said to be living apart. " 

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, 
then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit 
across the fairway into another woods. 
Finally, after banging away several more times, 
he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. 
All the while, he'd noticed that the club 
professional had been watching. 
"What club should I use now?" he asked the
"I don't know," the pro replied. 
"What game are you playing?"

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York 
were seated side by side on an airplane. 
The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: 
"So, where y'all from?" 
The New York girl said, "From a place where 
they know better than to use a preposition at 
the end of a sentence." 
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few 
moments and then replied: 
"So, where y'all from, bitch?"

So I asked my pregnant sobbing Girlfriend.... 
"Did I come at A bad time?" 

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered 
two drinks.  
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases 
and started to eat.  
The owner became quite concerned and marched 
over and told them, "You can't eat your own 
sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their 
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

I tried sniffing coke once.... 
but the ice cubes stuck in my nose. 

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of 
quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. 
He looks around, then sits next to the most 
attractive woman there. 
He was very pleased with himself after he noticed 
her constantly glancing down at his crotch. 
"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one 
of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce 
a T.V. quiz show. 
Is there any question I can answer for you?" 
"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced 
down once more toward his embellished jeans. 
"Do you have change for a dollar?" 

If George Washington never told a lie... 
how, exactly, did he get elected? 


Sunday, March 30, 2014



At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean 
responded to investigations into the basketball team 
by suspending any basketball player who wasn't 
maintaining a passing average. 
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's 
office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. 
"We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. 
"Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach 
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. 
He turned to the basketball player and said, 
"Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. 
Then he said, "Thirty- one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, 
"I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. 
"Why are you making such a big deal of it? 
After all, he only missed it by one."

Doctor told me I need glasses.
So I'm having several tonite. 

Brian, one of the worlds greatest  hypochondriacs, 
bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. 
“Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell 
you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my 
I haven’t heard them in over a week!” 
“Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy 
for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. 
“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. 
“There’s nothing wonderful about it. 
I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now! 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?  
You look for the fresh prints! 

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a 
terrible phobia. 
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible 
fear that there is something underneath. 
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard 
of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, 
but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” 
“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well 
worth it.” 
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist 
he gave the lady a call. 
“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” 
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and 
told my husband about the cost he thought he 
would save some money, he just cut the legs off the 

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! 
What an idiot! 
Who threatens someone with a vacation? 

My Daughter wanted a Cinderella-themed party, 
I invited all her friends over and made them 
clean my house. 

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me 
one wish. 
“I want to live forever,” I said. 
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant 
wishes like that!” 
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets
 their heads out of their asses.” 
“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy. 

Andrea told me that while she was playing cards 
her friend called.  
Her friend said, "What are ya playing?"  
Andrea said, "Solitaire."  
Her friend  said, "Yeah?  
Who are you playing with?"

As a Viet Nam Vet I was telling the students about 
an especially emotional visit to the Viet Nam 
Memorial in DC.  A girl raised her hand and asked 
me if I was able to find my name on the wall.

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this  
police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.


Saturday, March 29, 2014



I've been trying to turn my wife on for about an hour,
 but it just isn't happening.
I'd better go and find a nurse who knows how to 
work the life support machine.

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and 
joined a newspaper agency. 
His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting 
At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. 
He learnt that there was a fatal accident. 
Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. 
He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, 
move over, I am related to the victim.” 
Immediately, the crowd made space for him. 
Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and 
reached the spot and guess what? 
He saw a donkey lying dead. 

My cat has a new trick! 
He swallows two pieces of string and an hour later 
they come out of his ass TIED together! 
I Shit You Knot! 

A recent joint study conducted by  the Department 
of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles 
indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol 
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by 
drivers who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, 
juices, yogurts, and shit like that. 
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents. 

Whatever you do in life always give 100%. 
Unless you're donating blood... 

We had a power outage at our home last night. 
So, instead of a night of TV, the wife and I spent the 
time chatting. 
 It was a real eye opener - 
I'm off to buy a back-up generator today. 

And now advice from your Doctor....
A colon cancer screening method that analyzes 
DNA from stool samples won the backing of a 
U.S. advisory panel on Thursday. 
Said one doctor, “Well you don’t have colon cancer, 
but you may want to consider cutting back on your 
corn intake.” 

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; 
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

When we were looking to buy property.. 
I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can 
only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. 
I mean the land had just been worked to death. 
The weeds were hardly even growing. 
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all 
this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze 
and some good people." 
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be 
said of Hell?"

I received a bill that said "final notice". 
Well that's a relief. 

Friday, March 28, 2014



I almost forgot to update my status.... 
I'd been to the gym. 
What a waste of a workout that would have been!

I saw in the paper the other day that there's a 
serious shortage of men in Washington DC. 
I commented on this fact to my wife and told her 
I might just go there. 
I added that the article said that men could earn 
$50 a nite easily as a gigolo. 
She smiled and said, "And exactly how do you 
intend to live on $200 a month ?"

For Dear Abby...
She quit speaking to me when I wouldn't open 
the car door for her. 
It's not my fault. 
I just panicked & swam to the surface.

What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food! 

Ole and Lena had married under none too 
happy circumstances, and their married life had
not been anything to brag about either. 
But when, after they had been lived together for 
thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to 
ask for an annulment, the whole of R-Ville 
gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and 
when the time came the judge demanded to 
know the grounds on which Ole based his 
demand for an annulment. 
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, 
"I've just learned that Lena's father never had 
a license to carry a gun." 

I should’ve  known it wasn’t going to work out 
between my ex-gf and me. 
After all, I’m a Pisces and she’s a bitch. 

Jane said;
When my husband and I were living in Memphis 
we ordered Duck Breast from the local 5 star 
I like my duck cooked rare, so I inquired, 'would 
that be rare duck?' 
The waiter replied, 'No, it's just a regular  old duck...
local, I think.
'Assassins are impressive.  
Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that 
they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same 
word twice. 

I lost a dear friend last week.... 
He got his finger stuck in a wedding ring... 

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor
with her husband. 
After the consultation was finished, the elderly 
man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of 
paper and a pen. 
Although a strange request, he complied, and 
the man quickly wrote something, then handed 
the folded piece of paper to the doctor. 
He told him to read it as soon as they had left. 
The doctor thought that the man perhaps had 
an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't 
want to talk about in front of his wife, so the 
doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. 
Once the couple had left the room, the doctor 
sat down and read the piece of paper. 
It's contents were thus: 
"Doctor, your fly is undone!"

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma...

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't 
already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be 
beautiful."  (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. 
Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and 
I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)


Thursday, March 27, 2014



Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, 
"I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the 
Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge 
The cop replies, "No charge to you. 
It's all part of the service." 

Went to a dinner party the other night. 
Dress  code was black tie so I wore a t-shirt with the 
face of Tiger Woods on it. 

What's the difference between the government 
and the Mafia? 
One of them is organized.

Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?
A: Straight through the rib cage.

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a 
plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, 
no small feat for a non-plumber. 
Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber 
dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old 
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together 
again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. 
However, it didn't work much better than 
As I pondered what to do next, my son walked 
into the bathroom. 
I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just 
dislodged and told him that the toilet still 
wasn't working. 
"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. 
Details to follow."

So this old man is walking down the street in 
He sees a young boy sitting on the street in 
front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his 
mouth as fast as possible. 
The man walks up to the boy and says 
"You know son, it’s really not healthy to eat all 
that candy like that." 
The kid looks up at him and says, "You know 
my grandfather lived to be 97 years old." 
The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of 
The kid looks at him and says "No, but he 
minded his own damn business."

The secret of our marriage is chemistry. 
She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on 
decongestant tablets. 
All they found was a pile of dust.

I love you more today than yesterday.... 
Yesterday you really got on my nerves.

Anita gave birth to a healthy baby boy. 
An old aunt who came to visit her, noticed that 
the baby had flaming red hair.
"I see that you have black hair", she said to 
"What color is the fathers' hair?".
"I have no idea", answered Anita, 
"He was wearing a hat".