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How do you identify a bald eagle?
All of his feathers are combed to one side.
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An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed
javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy
contests, but they keep the crowd's attention.
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A little girl came running in the house and said,
"Mommy, I met the most wonderful man this
morning.
It was the garbage man, and he was carrying a
big bag over his head, and it broke and went all
over him.
And, you know, Mommy, he just stood there
and talked to his mother, his son, and God."
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My husband, Michael, and I were at a
restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older
man.
When Michael began a tale, which I was sure
he had told before, I gave him a kick under the
table.
There was no response, so I gave him another
poke.
Still the story went on.
Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said,
"Oh, but I've told you this one before,
haven't I?"
We all chuckled and changed the subject.
Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband
why it had taken him so long to get my message.
"What do you mean?" he replied.
"I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you
awhile to stop!"
Suddenly we realized what had happened.
Sheepishly we returned to our table.
The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry.
After the second one I figured it wasn't for me,
so I passed it along!"
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You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat
person, and you accidentally ask them for a
good place to eat?
And they look at you and say they don't know.
And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know.
I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be
eatin'. '
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Jim to lawyer: “ I think my wife is fooling
around.”
Lawyer: “ How can you be so sure?”
“Last week I saw her go to a porno movie with
some strange man.”
“So why didn’t you follow her?”
“Nah, I had already seen the flick.”
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The ocean was once fresh water but
Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.
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For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his
kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or
brother that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the child to feel
the movements of the unborn baby.
The five-year-old was obviously impressed,
but made no comment.
Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about
the awaiting event.
Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and
said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby
brother or sister you were expecting at home?
“Lucas burst into tears and confessed,
“I think Mommy ate it!”
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When the legislature decides the rules of
buying and selling,
the first thing to be bought will be the
legislators.
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Today's poem.....
I knew a girl from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
Someone set it on fire
And burned here entire Front Page,
Sporting Section and all.
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