Friday, February 28, 2014



My wife had a really sharp pain in her chest 
this morning, she thought she was having a 
heart attack. 
It turns out it was just a Dorito in her bra. 

 A little old lady told a friend of mine the other 
day when they were standing in line together 
that all she had ever wanted to have in life was 
four animals. 
My friend who has a large dog and a big heart 
for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals 
did you want?' 
The little old lady said "A mink on my back, 
a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and 
a jackass to pay for all of it......

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers 
a woman's birthday, but never remembers her 
age." - Robert Frost 

As newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family 
get-together at our apartment, which had a 
large grassy field and superb children's 
playground next door. 
My wife organized games outdoors for our 
eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter 
and activity drew other children, until about 
30 kids were playing and clamoring for my 
wife's attention. 
After three hours, she called it quits. 
The next morning while we were getting ready 
for work, two boys knocked on our patio door 
and asked if our children could come out and 
I told them we had no children...that our 
nieces and nephews had just been visiting. 
Looking momentarily dejected, they brightened 
considerably as they asked, “Well, then, 
can your wife come out and play?” 

Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a 
rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you. 

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each 
other on a bet. 
The loser had to start wearing his underwear 
on the outside of his pants. 

Wanted: Hair-cutter. 
Excellent growth potential.

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate 
shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?" 
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "
I did NOT!"

What do you call lice on a bald man's head? 

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. 
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.


Thursday, February 27, 2014



How do you identify a bald eagle? 
All of his feathers are combed to one side. 

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed 
javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy 
contests, but they keep the crowd's attention. 

A little girl came running in the house and said, 
"Mommy, I met the most wonderful man this 
It was the garbage man, and he was carrying a 
big bag over his head, and it broke and went all 
over him. 
And, you know, Mommy, he just stood there 
and talked to his mother, his son, and God." 

My husband, Michael, and I were at a 
restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older 
When Michael began a tale, which I was sure 
he had told before, I gave him a kick under the 
There was no response, so I gave him another 
Still the story went on. 
Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, 
"Oh, but I've told you this one before, 
haven't I?"
We all chuckled and changed the subject. 
Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband 
why it had taken him so long to get my message.
"What do you mean?" he replied. 
"I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you 
awhile to stop!"
Suddenly we realized what had happened. 
Sheepishly we returned to our table. 
The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. 
After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, 
so I passed it along!" 

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat 
person, and you accidentally ask them for a 
good place to eat? 
And they look at you and say they don't know. 
And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. 
I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be 
eatin'. '

Jim to lawyer: “ I think my wife is fooling 
Lawyer: “ How can you be so sure?” 
“Last week I saw her go to a porno movie with 
some strange man.” 
“So why didn’t you follow her?” 
“Nah, I had already seen the flick.” 

The ocean was once fresh water but 
Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty. 

For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his 
kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or 
brother that was expected at his house. 
One day the mother allowed the child to feel 
the movements of the unborn baby. 
The five-year-old was obviously impressed, 
but made no comment. 
Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about 
the awaiting event. 
Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and 
said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby 
brother or sister you were expecting at home?
“Lucas burst into tears and confessed, 
“I think Mommy ate it!” 

When the legislature decides the rules of 
buying and selling,
the first thing to be bought will be the 

Today's poem.....
I knew a girl from St. Paul 
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 
Someone set it on fire 
And burned here entire Front Page, 
Sporting Section and all. 


Wednesday, February 26, 2014



"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women
who sit at home and have conversations with 
their cats are mentally disturbed." 
My dog's full of useful information like that. 

President Obama now says he didn't know how 
bad the economy was when he took office. 
And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the 
next president is going to be saying. 

I've just been fired by Pepsi. 
I tested positive for Coke. 

David hurried into the elevator of a posh hotel 
and shouted, "Ballroom please!"
A smartly dressed lady standing in front of him 
turned to him and said, "Sorry, we didn't 
realize we were crowding you."

The State Department issued a new travel 
warning, urging American citizens to avoid 
It was part of a new set of warnings called, 
'Things you were probably doing already.'

Q: What is the difference between 
George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your 
 A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon 
couldn't tell the truth, your Mother-in-Law 
doesn't know the difference.

I was a salesman at one of the big department 
stores in R-Ville. 
One day, a lady walked in and asked me to help 
her select a sky blue shirt that she wanted to 
gift her husband. 
When I asked her about the size, she seemed 
to be at a loss for a while, then suddenly she 
was cheerful, and holding up her arms, she 
formed a circle with her thumbs and forefingers.
"I am not sure about the size, but his neck fits 
perfectly between my hands!"

The walgreen's pharmacy was broken into and 
a large amount of viagra was taken.  
The local police said to be on the look out for 
two hardened criminals.

“Have you ever tried to eat a clock? 
It's very time consuming.”

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to 
be "macho," so he went out walking with one 
of the hired hands. 
As they were walking through the barnyard, 
the visitor tried starting a conversation: 
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' 
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. 
There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

That depressing moment when you
dip your cookie into milk for too long,
It breaks off, and you wonder why
bad things happen to good people.


Tuesday, February 25, 2014



The Weather Channel has issued a travel 
warning due to the cold weather. 
They suggest that anyone travelling in the 
current icy conditions should make sure they 
have the following: 
 Blankets or sleeping bag 
 Extra clothing including hat and gloves 
 24 hours worth of food 
 Rock Salt 
 Torch or lantern with spare batteries 
 Road Flares or Reflective Triangles 
 Petrol Can 
 First Aid Kit 
 Jump Leads 
 (I looked sorta funny on the bus this morning!) 

Got an e-mail today from a bored local 
housewife, 43 who was looking for some hot 
So I sent her my ironing. 
That’ll keep the her busy. 

Representative Tim Moore sponsored a 
resolution in the Texas House of 
Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the 
House to commend Albert de Salvo for his 
unselfish service to "his country, his state and 
his community." 
The resolution stated that "this compassionate 
gentleman's dedication and devotion to his 
work has enabled the weak and the lonely 
throughout the nation to achieve and maintain 
a new degree of concern for their future. 
He has been officially recognized by the state 
of Massachusetts for his noted activities and 
unconventional techniques involving population 
control and applied psychology." 
The resolution was passed unanimously. 
Representative Moore then revealed that he 
had only tabled the motion to show how the 
legislature passes bills and resolutions often 
without reading them or understanding what 
they say. 
Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler. 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to 
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack 
wasn't what they had in mind. 

Mom: I'm on my way home have you finished 
cleaning your room? 
Me: Yeah,I did it an hour ago *starts cleaning
while on phone*

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main 
His orders were clear. 
No car was to enter unless it had a special 
sticker on the windshield. 
A big Army car came up with a general seated 
in the back. 
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" 
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, 
"General Wheeler." 
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. 
You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." 
The general said, "Drive on!" 
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come 
I have orders to shoot if you try driving in 
without a sticker." 
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, 
drive on!" 
The sentry walked up to the rear window and 
said, "General, I'm new at this. 
Do I shoot you or the the driver?" 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Jim woke up to find 
himself next to a really ugly woman. 
That’s when he realized he had made it home 

''Everything is changing. 
People are taking their comedians seriously 
and the politicians as a joke.'' —Will Rogers 

The less people you chill with, the less
 problems you deal with....

A lady who was known as Churchill's main 
rival in parliament was giving a speech. 
Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his 
rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. 
She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston 
by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while 
I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. 
I do so purely by choice."


Monday, February 24, 2014



''Politics is the art of looking for trouble, 
finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, 
and applying the wrong remedies.'' 
—Groucho Marx 

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.
They are all on different limbs at different 
Some are climbing up. 
Some are climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a 
tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see 
nothing but a bunch of a**holes.

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts..
1.Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2.Teeth removing Taffy
3.Metamucil in a straw
4.Ex-Lax Brownies
5.Caramel Covered Zucchini
6.Colored Crisco on a Stick
7.Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8.Chocolate Covered Prunes
9.A Handful of Red Man
10.Anything that ticks!

I have an answering machine in my car. 
It says: I'm home now,but leave a message and 
I'll call when I'm out.

A strained voice called out through the 
darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in 
the house?!" 
Several men stood up as the lights came on. 
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand 
next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single 
and interested in a date with a good, 
Jewish girl?"

Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O 
Says Jay Leno, "But LA is still No. 1 if you 
include recreational use. 
You know -- naked wrestling, Jell-O shots." 

There was a group of women at a seminar on 
how to live in a loving relationship with your 
The women were asked, "How many of you 
love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time 
you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, 
some didn't remember.
The women were then told to take their phones 
and send the following text:
"I love you, sweetheart."
Then the women were told to exchange phones 
and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!!???
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how 
much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is 
actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not to drink 
during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, 
what is on the outside?

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, 
finds his wife standing in the middle of their 
deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high 
heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asks.
"I think the waterbed busted," says the 
trembling wife.
Just then a guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands the husband.
"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."

Getting married is very much like going to 
the restaurant with friends....
You order what you want, and when you see 
what the other fellow has, you wish you had 
ordered that.