••
♥
One friend complained to another, "All my husband and
I do anymore is fight.
I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked
the second friend.
"I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another
15 pounds first."
I do anymore is fight.
I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked
the second friend.
"I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another
15 pounds first."
••
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
••
I love finding money that I've forgotten about,
I've just found a bag with $250 in it.
It was in my brothers room, under his bed, in a sock,
behind a loose brick in the wall.
I don't remember putting in there but now I can afford
to go out and get drunk.
I've just found a bag with $250 in it.
It was in my brothers room, under his bed, in a sock,
behind a loose brick in the wall.
I don't remember putting in there but now I can afford
to go out and get drunk.
••
I love the rolling stones but i get dizzy when they roll
to fast.....
to fast.....
••
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit
working so hard.
He picked out a strong young man to become his
apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy.
"Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge
and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there," he said.
"When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith...
working so hard.
He picked out a strong young man to become his
apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy.
"Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge
and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there," he said.
"When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith...
••
Your mini skirt is way too short." I yelled at my wife.
"That's because it's made for a woman," she replied.
"Now take it off and give it back to me, you weirdo."
"That's because it's made for a woman," she replied.
"Now take it off and give it back to me, you weirdo."
••
Q. What did the patient say to the irritating doctor
during her Liposuction surgery?
A. Doctor, you are really beginning to get under my skin!!
during her Liposuction surgery?
A. Doctor, you are really beginning to get under my skin!!
••
There comes a point in the work day that you know
you're no longer going to be productive.
That moment for me came at 9:13am
you're no longer going to be productive.
That moment for me came at 9:13am
••
Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for
going 43 in a 35 M.P.H. zone.
"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the
police officer that he was a self-described "perfect" driver.
The cop took a second look at the name and address on
my license.
"Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?"
"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.
The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."
going 43 in a 35 M.P.H. zone.
"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the
police officer that he was a self-described "perfect" driver.
The cop took a second look at the name and address on
my license.
"Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?"
"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.
The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."
••••
