Wednesday, October 31, 2012


Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.
 6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and
you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Sonic in the neighborhood with
a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Yo mamma so stupid, she uses coupons at the 99
cent store.
Our generation never got a break.
When we were young they taught us to respect our
Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the
youth of the country.
I am not scared of goblins or ghouls and things that
go bump in the night....
Werewolves and bats and witches and such do not
give me much of a fright ...
But there is this one thing that scares me to death
and only this one thing I fear....
And that's to open my fridge at night and find that
I'm all out of beer.
A young lad knocked on the door last night and
said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just
in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dummy?"
On Halloween I shouted through to the wife.
"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"
She replied, "Just give her some sweets and tell her
to feck off."
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.
Just been told the clocks go back on Sunday...
Ah well that's got me messed up!
Can't remember where I bought them from ......
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still
couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.


Monday, October 29, 2012

Halloween is pay day, folks.
A lot of parents are strange; they say, Ration the
I say, Let them eat as much as they want --
they throw up, the rest is mine.
Thats how I handle Halloween.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible,
in a position as uncomfortable for the people
involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their
married lives.
Although happily married, they admitted that there
were argument sometimes.
Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery.
I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Bill.
"My last words are always 'Yes, Dear."
Q: How did the blonde rob the drive-up window at
the drive-in bank?
A: She put her gun in the little basket along with a
note that said "This is a stick-up"....
Flex complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed
every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?"
the doctor asked.
"Yes, doctor..... Usually I see a dream in which a
small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee.'
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon,
say, No, we've already peed."
Next time Flex came to the doctor, the latter asked,
"So, did you do as I said?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"No, doctor..... Only, it made the matter worse."
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded
and said, Okay It's crap time then....
If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.
A young man finally got a job at the Post Office.
He was full of energy and eager to please.
The supervisor agreed to work with the new
employee, even though he had been warned that he
was still immature and knew nothing of the job.
The first job the supervisor gives the young man is
in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new
employee separated the letters so fast that his
motions were literally a blur.
The supervisor was very pleased and asked the
young man to come into his office at the end of the
He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very
proud of you.
You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir.
And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment.
"How can you possibly do better?"
The young man smiled proudly and said,
"Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."
Halloween party tonight at the club and my wife's
excited as she's won first prize two years running.
 Despite the fact she refuses to wear a costume.

Sunday, October 28, 2012



Man goes to the doctor.." Doctor, I've got a golf ball
stuck up my bottom"
Doctor says " Bend over and let me have a look"....
" Yeah you're right and it seems to have gone up a
Q: What's the real problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and....
The rest of us don’t think they're jokes!
There was a little boy who had just learned to count
on his fingers.
One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was
anxious to show off his newly acquired skill.
He told the uncle to ask him an addition question.
So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"
The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said,
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on
your hands because someday when you are in school,
a teacher will get mad at you for it.
Now put your hands in your pockets."
So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his
uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets,
then the boy said, "Eleven."
A mother and father were having a heated argument
in the kitchen.
Their six year daughter was sitting at the kitchen
table watching her parents, her little head moved
from side to side as she listened in.
The mother suddenly realised what they were doing,
immediately she stopped, and looked down at her
"I'm so sorry sweetheart", she said with a quiet smile,
"Mummy and Daddy shouldn't argue in front of you
like that".
"That's alright mummy", she said with a bright smile,
"It's the only time I get to find out what's going on".
Useless Knowledge:
Benjamin Franklin slept in four beds every night.
He had a theory that a warm bed sapped a man’s
So when one bed became too warm, Old Ben jumped
into another.
I have been in many places, but I've never been
in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends,
family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to
jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity
I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there
too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very
important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often
as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up
the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life
shows me I am not!
Just finished my tax papers on April 17.
I owe more than I got in my bank account, but feel
good that I am filing it on time.
I figure it’s ok to run a deficit, our government does!
So I was in the jungle and saw a monkey with a
banana and a tin opener.
I said "You don't need a tin opener to open a banana"
He said "It's for the custard stupid!"
And then there was my friend who'd just been fitted
with a brand new hearing aid.
"It's the best in the world", he said.
"What type is it?", I asked and he said
"ten past twelve"

Saturday, October 27, 2012


For some reason the Muslim community seems to
be getting upset about Apple's new wrestling game
app: iSlam.....
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an
annual physical.
After a while, the doctor comes out and says,
"I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a
condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great.
I haven't felt better in years.
This just can't be true.
Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might
start going down the street to that new health spa
and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used
to the dirt."
You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans...
The autumn leaves are a lot like raising kids.
First they turn on you, and then they fly away.
And next thing you know, you look out the window
and they're back!
Theres no razor in candy.
If for no other reason, it doesnt make financial sense. 
How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny
and a half?
An apples like 15 cents?
Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge
They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on
the shelf.
You know, you have to ask the people behind the
I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or
Did you know that the blondes recently built their
own submarine?
It's got wire mesh on the windows to keep out the
This is a warning.
Never force children to pray.
At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family
into prayer...
Little Boy : But i don't know how to pray
Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and
neighbours, the poor,etc.....
Little Boy : "Dear Lord" he started "Thank u for our
visitors and their children, who finished all my
cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my
sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, pliz send clothes to all those
poor without clothes ladies on my daddy's
blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men
who use mom's room when daddy is at work"...
Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening....
This is an exciting autumn.
Our athletes were breaking the records for the most
Olympic medals, and our political candidates are
breaking the records for the most campaign promises.
 I can hardly wait until all the leaves turn brown to
match the grass.

Friday, October 26, 2012


Useless knowledge
In the animal kingdom, the animals that fart the
most are the elephants.
“A four-year-old boy saw a picture of the president.
His parent said, ‘Do you know what that man does?’
The boy looked and said,
‘Yes: He approves this message.’
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball
into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly
ill-designed for the purpose. - Winston Churchill
Needing to escape her hectic office, my friend fled
to the mall, bought a candy bar, and then relaxed
on a bench next to a businessman.
Soon, she heard the sound of a crumpling wrapper
and realized that he was eating her candy bar.
When he went to work on an ice cream cone,
she leaned over and took a huge lick.
 “There!” she declared.
She then stormed off to her car, reached into her
purse for her keys, and pulled out the candy bar she
thought he’d eaten.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket,
Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy doller store toilet roll.
I have just watched the start of the 5,000 meters for
those with Tourettes syndrome, it was brillant the
starter strode up and shouted" ready, steady, now
feck off"......
Flex was taking a walk in the country, in a field he
noticed something that intrigued him.
Why doesn't this cow have any horns? he thought to
He asked the local farmer why..?
"Well sir, they can damage their horns so we usually
keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw.
You can also treat young calves so their horns never
grow, and some breeds don't have any horns at all,"
the farmer replied.
The farmer continued, "But this cow doesn't have
any horns because it's a horse!"


Thursday, October 25, 2012


My coworker, Bruce, went to Thailand and came
back as Sheila.
Now we are all starting to wonder who is naturally
born and who is surgically altered.
Ya never know....
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda):
I didn't know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried!
Do you know how many extra calories that would
Scene: Starbucks.
Customer:  Hey, you lost a lot of weight.
Barista: No, I gave birth two weeks ago.
Customer: To a baby?
So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30%
higher than Mitt Romney masks...
Well, that makes sense!
What's scarier than four more years of this economy?
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her:
"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies
into all kinds of trouble."
Lady starts taking off her clothes .....
Doctor, stopping her: "No! No!
Please put on your clothes.
Just show me your tongue."
Spotted on a church marquee:
“Love your enemies;
After all, You made them.”
Holding up a lottery ticket, a husband says to his wife...
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She says...
"I would take half, then leave you."
"Excellent", he replies...
"I won 12 bucks.....
Here's $6, now get the hell out."
Never regret getting older......
It's a privilege denied to many.