Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Good Morning...Everyone......


I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one:
the words, Im dumb.
Thats it.
That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?,
you can be like, Oh, I'm dumb!

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing:
Im paying my way through medical school.
Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor
that used to be a stripper?
You'd think theyd be everywhere.

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on
the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy.
"We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about
their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded.
"I'm shocked.
When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris,
but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris
and lives.

Gus was talking to his friend Pete about his legal problems.
Gus says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned
about making money."
Pete asks, "What makes you say that?"
Gus replies, "One of the items in his bill says:
'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking
about your case: $50'."

 A blond goes to the vet with her goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blond says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
Ireland's indigenous people were the Leprechauns...
and they died out, tragically, owing to the fact that they
were all male and that they never existed in the first place.
Nothing will kill a race off quicker than never actually
having existed.

One woman was talking to her friend, "You
should listen to my neighbor," she says.
"She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband
behind his back.
I think that's so rude.
Look at me! My husbandis fat, lazy and cheap but
have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"

Why do they call it the restroom?
Is there anybody just resting in this room?

 A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady
and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the
posters showing the glamorous destinations around the
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple
looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said: 'I know that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am
sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I
won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two
flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'


 As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the
world, I suddenly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass.


Monday, July 30, 2012

Good Morning....Friends.


When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring.
When she was in a good mood it turned blue.
In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.


 Me and the wife were in town earlier when this woman
came over and said:
 "Your husband reminds me of my cat."
 "Don't tell me" she said, "smooth, sleek and loyal?"
 "No" she laughed, "they both like sitting in the tree outside
my bedroom window."

    Laurel: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
Hardy: To take a nap?
Laurel: No, to make a long-distance caw.

 My wife says it's disgusting to pee in the bath.
I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced today
The climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'.....
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population,
it will now be referred to as: 'Muslim Weather'
( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

 Obama Administration reportedly runs food stamps across
the border with Mexico in an operation code-named
"Fat And Furious"

Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?
A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.

Three cowboys - Billy, Rex and Chuck - were drinking at
the local bar.
Billy said, "Did you hear that bugger Roy bought a new car.
I bet he's going to start bragging about it the moment he
enters this bar."
Rex said, "You should not be judgmental about him.
Roy's a good lad.
I am sure he's just gonna say a 'hi' when he walks in."
"I know Roy better than either of you," said Chuck.
"He's a smart guy, he'll find a way to do both.
Here he comes now."
Roy swung open the bar door and yelled, "Audi, fellas!"

 I had plastic surgery last week.
I cut up my credit cards.

 One day while at the doctor's office, the receptionist
called me to the desk to update my personal file.
Before I had a chance to tell her that all the information
she had was still correct, she asked, "Has your birthdate

Useless Knowledge;
The monarch butterfly can discern tastes 12,000 times
more subtle than those perceivable by human taste buds.

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
       Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you
always end up praying a lot.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Good Morning....Friends....
Having a good weekend??


A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's
annual 4th of July picnic.
Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the
"You really ought to try it.
I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand
why such a wonderful food should be forbidden!
You don't know what you're missing.
You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized
Virginia Baked Ham.
Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said,
"At your wedding."

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery,
seized a man who was fleeing naked.
He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured
his clothes would make him identifiable.
I am tired of missing green lights at stop lights because
Teenage drivers are texting, and not paying attention.
This must stop.
Therefore I have formed a new organization called Fathers
Against Texting While Automobile Driving (FATWADS)
Our voice will be heard.
There is nothing more annoying than missing a green
light on your way back from the liquor store!!!

"A Japanese scientist has invented a spray-on Viagra.
And if you thought the cosmetic clerks at the mall were
annoying before when they spritzed you..."
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my
finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for
a urine test."

 My friend is a dyslexic, bullshitting fisherman.
 He talks a load of carp.

When a family moved into their new house, a visiting
relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, my brother
has his own room, and my sister has her own room.
But poor mom is still sleeping with dad."

 My father taught me to swim by taking me out in the
boat and throwing me in the lake.
The hard part was getting the duct tape off of my wrists
and ankles.

I sold my house this week.
I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord
mad as hell.



Saturday, July 28, 2012

Good Morning....
Hot today with t-storms....


A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"Putt' is correct," he replied.
"Put' means to place a thing where you want it.
'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the
same thing."

 I've been trying to teach my parrot to talk for the past
few weeks and today he finally managed it.
He said, "Look, my name is Frank, not Polly, and no I don't
want a damn cracker."

 Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the
doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that
a bacon sandwich works best!

 'You should be ashamed,' the father told his son, Andy.
'When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten
miles every day to get to school.'
 'Really?' Andy responded.
'Well, when he was your age, he was president.'

I'm in trouble again.....
Yesterday I was getting my thermos of iced tea ready to go
to work and I told my wife, "I like my iced tea like I like
my women".
 She smiled at me and batted her eyelashes.
I should have agreed with her right away or at least kept
my mouth shut.
But I didn't.
"Nope" I replied...... "Weak and bitter".
Then the fight started.....

 I had plastic surgery last week.
I cut up my credit cards.

 In New Haven, Connecticut two goats and 25 chickens
were found living in an apartment.
The owners had originally bought them for their Farmville
farm on Facebook but when they found out it wasn't real
they had to keep them.
A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect
mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves
water sports, and enjoys group activities."
Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."

Joe is declared dead at the hospital after he was involved
in a car accident.
His funeral procession was going up a steep hill on main
street when the door of the hearse flies open accidentally
and the coffin falls out then speeds down the busy street
and crashes into a pharmacy.
 The lids pops open and Joe, the deceased says to the
dazed pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin'?"


Friday, July 27, 2012

Good Morning......


Pilot to airline passengers:  "Ladies and gentlemen,
I have some good  news and some bad news.
The bad news is that we have a hijacker on board. 
The good news is he wants to go to the French Riviera."

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people
using sign language.
He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language
to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how
he had learned to use sign language.
The bartender explained that these were regular customers
and had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed
"Now cut that out!.... I warned you!" and threw the group
out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender
said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times -

 Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it
caught fire?
Simple, stop imagining.

Son got married....
Early on, he let her know who was boss.
He took her by the shoulders, looked into her eyes,
 and said "You're the boss."

A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with
their pets on the bed.
I tried it once, damn goldfish died...

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife
to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
 He says, "So what would you like, Julie?
 A Jaguar?
A sable coat?
A diamond necklace?"
 She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I always get interrupted whenever I'm playing the Air Harp
in public by people asking why I've summoned them over.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless
Chuck Norris has been there.
In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and

 My wife and I are foster parents.
Last summer, we had five-year-old Jesse with us. 
One day he and my daughter, Grace, came to me with an
I told them an oak tree would grow if they planted it in the
They dug a hole a few inches deep and covered it up.
To make sure I didn't mow the tree down, they made a
sign that said, "Don't cut grass here....  Acorn in ground."
The next week, Jesse and I noticed the sign was down. 
We went over to investigate and saw that the acorn was
I said, "A chipmunk has dug it up."
 Jesse thought for a moment, then replied,
"Next time, we won't leave a sign."

Well, here's a great idea!
Watch your wedding video backwards.
The night starts with you getting a root ...
Then you have a great time, good food & drink and sober
up without a hangover ...
You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back
down the aisle, jump in the car & off with your mates.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Good Morning....Friends and Neighbors...
Gonna be a hot one today....

The difference between dogs and men.....
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch
(and they never laugh at how you throw.)
 7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
 A director decided to award a prize of $100 for the best
idea for saving the company money during the credit
It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing
the prize money to $10.

Parachuting from a helicopter over a drop zone
inside Camp Dawson, West Virginia, a
lieutenant colonel from the special Forces
Group Airborne found himself doing battle with
a sudden twenty-two-knot wind, which forced
him onto a nearby golf course.
On landing, The Green Beret fumbled for the
release but another gust drove the chute and its
struggling captive down the fairway, catching
the attention of three players about to tee off. 
"Can we help?" shouted the golfers.
Sliding by them, the officer clung to his sense of
humor as well as his pride. 
"No, thanks," he called out.
"I'll just play through."

Q. "Why did Bill go to the doctor?"
"There was some sawdust on his shoulder so they thought
that he had a perforated eardrum"

 I got an A on my very first university English paper. 
While the professor was impressed with my work, she said
she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error.
After several readings, I couldn't find my mistake. 
Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped
flipping through my assignment. 
There on the cover, was a red circle around my misspelled

I remember the words to nearly every song from the
mid 50's to the late 60's.
But I can't remember why I just walked into my garage.

I saw a grown man once riding one of those weird standup
scooters down the side of the road -- you have to tilt to
make it move forward, I think its called a Segway.
Wearing a toga and holding a sign for a pizza sale.
My first thought was, Congrats, you've hit rock bottom.
But my second thought was, If you took away just the sign,
then that guy would rule.

A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia. 
"Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor.
"It doesn't work," replied the boxer. 
"Every time I get to nine I stand up."


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Good Morning, Friends...
Some nice storms last night...
So a cool 88ยบ today.....


Here's how I feel about gay marriage.
I dont understand why people care whether you marry a
man or a woman.
Cause if you've ever seen a couple over 65, it is very hard
to tell who is who.

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.
When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said,
"You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now.
I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ...
I'm giving you a ticket."

The new father ran out of the delivery room and
announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for
the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked,
“Who do they look like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”

 The long-winded Congressman said to his colleague,
"Did you notice how my voice filled the House chamber
this afternoon?"
"Most certainly,"  the man replied. 
"And did you notice how a lot of members left to make
room for it?"

Man walks into his local bar, Just inside the door,
there is a very fat girl dancing on a table,
He watches for a while and as he passes he says :
"Fantastic legs",
The girl stops dancing , smiles and says "do you really
think so?"
He says "Absolutely, any other table would have collapsed
by now!!"

She's single... She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up
my path.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looked at me & said, "Gus, I just got home, and I am
so happy!
I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk,and
make love all night long!...... Are you busy to-night?”
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free...
I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my

 Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet
advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star
reporters go.
He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the
"Who should go, Clark or Lois?"
He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a
long time.
He asked, "Please, show me a sign."
That afternoon, he was doing some shopping at Wal-Mart
and, when he went to his car, he suddenly saw the answer!
The next day, he called Clark and Lois into the office and
said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go."
After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry
aside and asked, "Chief, how did you decide which one of
us should go?"
Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I
While I was parking at Wal-Mart, I looked up and there
was the sign: 'FIRE LANE.'"

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible
explanations about why merchants take my phone number
on a credit card charge.
What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm
perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card,
I'm not about to give out a correct phone number.
They make no effort to validate the phone number before
I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone
numbers of a bunch of honest people.
Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of
a bunch of honest people?
I once asked why you are asked for your phone number
when using your charge cards.
The clerk explained that thieves have been caught because
they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number,
not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.